♪ Mrs. Thripp: "TO MY SO-CALLED WIFE, "I HAVE REMOVED WHAT YOU LEFT OF THE ASSORTED TEA BISCUITS "TO THE OFFICE FOR SAFEKEEPING.

"ARE YOU DETERMINED TO EAT ME INTO BANKRUPTCY?

"YOUR SO-CALLED HUSBAND."

[rock music plays] ♪ I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE DEVIL'S... ♪ [music stops] [music starts] ♪ I CAN LOVE AND LIVE AND DIE A FOOL ♪ ♪ I DON'T WANT TO BE ANOTHER TARGET ♪ ♪ FOR SOMEONE ELSE THAT YOU CALL A FOOL... ♪ Mr. Thripp: "TO MY SO-CALLED HUSBAND, "IF YOU WANT YOUR SHIRTS WASHED, "TAKE THEM DOWN TO THE OFFICE, "AND LET HER DO IT.

"SHE DOES EVERYTHING ELSE FOR YOU, DOESN'T SHE?

"YOUR SO-CALLED WIFE" [crumbling] Mrs. Thripp: EAT UP.

I MAY HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM SCHOOL TODAY.

♪ ALL I NEED TO BE IS ME ♪ [music stops] NINE ACROSS.

"SHELLEY'S HAPPY TIPPLE."

TWO WORDS, SIX-SIX.

AREN'T YOU EVER GOING TO WORK, RUMPOLE?

A BLYTHE SPIRIT!

I'VE GOT THIS CROSSWORD FELLOW OVER A BARREL.

YOU'RE GOING TO SIT AROUND ALL DAY LONG IN A DRESSING GOWN.

OUR BUSINESS IS NOT WHAT IT WAS.

OH, COME ON.

I'VE GOT TO GET THIS KITCHEN SHIP-SHAPE.

SHIP-SHAPE!

AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN.

STIR YOUR STUMPS, YOU LANDLUBBERS.

NO, I HAVEN'T FINISHED.

WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF TO CHAMBERS?

BECAUSE NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN CHAMBERS.

BUSINESS IS TERRIBLE.

THERE'S AN UNEXPECTED OUTBREAK OF LAWFULNESS.

SOMEBODY OUGHT TO WRITE TO THE TIMES ABOUT IT.

WHAT HAVE I HAD THE LAST MONTH?

ONE SMALL BREAK AND ENTER AND TWO CARELESS DRIVERS.

DADDY ALWAYS GOT TO CHAMBERS DEAD ON NINE EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE.

DADDY, OLD C.H.

WYSTAN, ALWAYS GOT TO CHAMBERS DEAD ON NINE AND SPENT THE WHOLE MORNING ON THE TIMES CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

I DO IT AT HOME.

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.

ANYWAY, YOU OUGHT TO BE GRATEFUL.

GRATEFUL?

FOR THE COMPANIONSHIP.

I WANT YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE, RUMPOLE.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

SO THAT I CAN CLEAR UP THE KITCHEN.

"OH, WOMAN IN OUR HOURS OF EASE "UNCERTAIN, COY AND HARD TO PLEASE" JUST A LITTLE PEACE SO THAT I CAN BE ALONE TO GET ON WITH THINGS.

OH YES, AND WHEN I'M A BIT LATE OF AN EVENING AFTER HAVING POPPED INTO POMEROY'S WINE BAR TO STRENGTHEN MYSELF TO FACE THE INNER CIRCLE, YOU NEVER SEEM PARTICULARLY GRATEFUL TO BE LEFT ALONE TO GET ON WITH THINGS.

YOU HAVE BEEN WASTING TIME.

THAT'S WHAT I RESENT.

"I WASTED TIME AND NOW DOTH TIME WASTE ME" CHATTERING AWAY TO THAT IDIOT GEORGE FROBISHER.

"TIME HATH MADE ME NOW HIS JACK O' THE CLOCK."

I DON'T SUPPOSE HE'S GOT ANY WORK EITHER.

EH, WHO?

OH, GEORGE.

NO, HE'S FEELING THE DRAUGHT.

ALL THE DECENT VILLAINS ARE ON HOLIDAY IN THE COSTA BRAVA.

THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONSIDERATION FOR THE LEGAL PROFESSION.

YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE CRIME SERIOUSLY.

SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT I'M DOING HERE.

DOING?

WELL, PRESUMABLY YOU'RE GETTING THE COFFEE CUPS ALL SHIP-SHAPE TO BE PIPED ON DECK AS TEACUPS AT 4:00.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

WITH NICK GONE, IT ALL SEEMS QUITE UNNECESSARY.

NICK.

YOUR SON HAS GONE BACK TO AMERICA.

I SUPPOSE YOU'VE NOTICED.

WELL, WHY DO WE BOTHER TO KEEP ALL THIS PLACE GOING?

THAT'S WHAT I ASK MYSELF SOMETIMES.

ALL THIS?

[laughs] IT'S ONLY A FLAT IN THE GLOUCESTER ROAD, HILDA.

IT'S HARDLY CHATSWORTH, IS IT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WE USED TO BE A FAMILY.

WE HAD TO TRY AT LEAST FOR NICK'S SAKE.

OH... OH, WHY DON'T YOU GO WORK.

NICK WILL BE BACK.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

WHEN HE'S GOT MARRIED?

WHEN HE'S GOT HIS JOB AT THE UNIVERSITY IN BALTIMORE?

WHY ON EARTH SHOULD HE WANT TO COME BACK TO GLOUCESTER ROAD?

TO SEE US, TO HEAR THE NEWS.

TO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING IN COURT.

WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN COURT?

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOING ANYTHING IN COURT APPARENTLY.

[phone rings] OH, COURSE HE'LL BE BACK.

[phone rings] HELLO?

MR. RUMPOLE?

OH, IT'S MRS. RUMPOLE SPEAKING.

HELLO, IT'S HIS CLERK HENRY HERE.

CAN I HAVE A WORD PLEASE?

OH, I'LL SEE IF I CAN CATCH HIM.

HE'S JUST DASHING OUT THE DOOR ON HIS WAY TO WORK.

YES, THANK YOU.

IT'S YOUR CLERK, HENRY.

OH, HENRY.

I THOUGHT HE'D FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT ME.

RUMPOLE, YOU HAVE TO SHAVE.

OH, HILDA.

HELLO, HENRY.

MR. RUMPOLE, I'VE GOT A CONFERENCE FOR YOU, SIR.

A CONFERENCE, HENRY?

DID YOU SAY A CON?

IS CRIME LOOKING UP AGAIN?

NO, IT'S IN THE FAMILY DIVISION.

DADDY WOULD NEVER HAVE SPOKEN TO HIS CLERK ON THE TELEPHONE BEFORE HE EVEN SHAVED.

ELEVEN O'CLOCK THIS MORNING, IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.

ELEVEN O'CLOCK.

RIGHT, HENRY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BYE.

WHAT IS IT?

UH...IT'S A DIVORCE.

[sighs] Rumpole: DIVORCE.

WELL, GOT TO TAKE WHAT YOU CAN NOWADAYS.

I SUPPOSE DIVORCE IS IN A FAIRLY HEALTHY STATE.

THE FIGURES ARE RISING.

WHAT'S HARDER TO UNDERSTAND IS THE ENORMOUS POPULARITY OF MARRIAGE.

NOW TAKE THAT LITTLE SCENE AT BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

I REALLY BEGIN TO WONDER HOW IT EVER BECAME SO POPULAR.

I MEAN, IS THAT HOME LIFE?

IN FROXBURY MANSIONS WITH "SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED"?

THAT'S WORK.

THAT'S HARD, BACKBREAKING TOIL.

AH, IT'S A RELIEF TO GET DOWN TO THE TEMPLE FOR RELAXATION.

AH, CHAMBERS.

THAT'S HOME.

PEACE AND QUIET.

[making plane noises] [typewriter clacking] [whistling] GOOD GOD.

MORNING, MR. RUMPOLE.

HENRY!

THERE...

THERE IS A WOMAN SEATED IN MY CHAIR.

MISS PHYLLIDA TRANT, SIR.

SHE'S BEEN WITH US FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS.

EX-PUPIL OF MR. ERSKINE-BROWN.

YOU HAVEN'T MET HER?

I'VE MET THE OCCASIONAL WHIFF OF FRENCH PERFUME IN THE HALL.

MISS TRANT'S ANXIOUS TO WIDEN HER EXPERIENCE.

YES, WELL, SHE WILL IF SHE WEARS THAT STUFF.

SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE COULD SIT IN ON YOUR DIVORCE CASE.

I'VE GOT THE BRIEF HERE.

THRIPP V. THRIPP.

YOU'RE THE WIFE.

OH, AM I?

JOLLY GOOD.

MARKED AT... 150 POUNDS.

THESE ARE THE SORT OF THRIPPS TO BREED FROM, HENRY.

HENRY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED.

THERE IS A BOY LOITERING ON THE PREMISES WITH AN AEROPLANE.

HE'S HERE FOR THE CONFERENCE, SIR.

OH, WHAT'S HE DONE.

HE WANT A DIVORCE TOO?

HE'S THE CHILD OF THE FAMILY, MR. RUMPOLE, IN THRIPP V. THRIPP.

AND I RATHER GATHER THE CHIEF BONE OF CONTENTION.

SO LONG NOW, MR. RUMPOLE.

SORRY TO HAVE INTERRUPTED YOUR DAY AT HOME.

OH, YOU CAN INTERRUPT MY DAY AT HOME ANYTIME YOU LIKE FOR A FEE OF 150 POUNDS.

IT'S ABOUT THE CONFERENCE... MISS PHYLLIDA, WHAT WAS IT?

RHYMED WITH ANT.

TRANT, SIR.

TRANT.

DON'T MIND HER SITTING IN?

OH, HENRY, COULDN'T YOU PUT HER OFF.

TELL HER A DIVORCE IS SACROSANCT.

EXCUSE ME.

IT'S LIKE A PRIEST HAVING A FEW LADY FRIENDS IN FOR A CONFESSIONAL.

I TOLD HER YOU HAVE NO OBJECTIONS, SIR.

MISS TRANT'S VERY KEEN TO PRACTICE.

WELL, WHY CAN'T SHE PRACTICE AT HOME?

WE'RE ABOUT THE ONLY CHAMBERS WITHOUT A WOMAN, MR. RUMPOLE.

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR OUR IMAGE.

OUR OLD CLERK ALBERT NEVER WANTED A WOMAN IN CHAMBERS.

YEAH, CAN WE CHANGE IT TO 4:30 PLEASE IF THAT'S AGREEABLE.

HE SAID THERE WASN'T THE LAVATORY ACCOMMODATION.

AS SOON AS YOU CAME INTO THE ROOM, I FELT SAFE SOMEHOW, MR. RUMPOLE.

I KNEW NORMAN AND I WOULD BE SAFE WITH YOU.

NORMAN?

THE CHILD OF THE FAMILY.

YES, THANK YOU, MISS TRANT.

THE YOUNG AVIATOR OUTSIDE, YES, QUITE.

WELL, NOW, MRS. THRIPP, IF I AM TO HELP YOU, YOU MUST DO YOUR BEST TO HELP ME.

ANYTHING.

WHAT IS IT EXACTLY YOU WANT?

WELL, MY DEAR LADY, A COUPLE OF BLACK EYES WOULD COME IN EXTREMELY HANDY.

MR. RUMPOLE MEANS HAS YOUR HUSBAND EVER USED PHYSICAL VIOLENCE?

WELL, NO.

NOT ACTUAL VIOLENCE.

AH, PITY.

MR. THRIPP DOESN'T SHOW A VERY HELPFUL ATTITUDE.

YOU SEE IF WE ARE TO PROVE CRUELTY-- WE DON'T HAVE TO, DO WE?

I MEAN, IT'S INTOLERABLE CONDUCT SINCE THE DIVORCE LAW REFORM ACT OF 1969.

Rumpole: IT'S NOT THE FRIVOLITY THAT MAKES WOMEN INTOLERABLE.

IT'S THE GHASTLY ENTHUSIASM, THAT MUSTARD KEENNESS TO GET INTO THE LACROSSE TEAM, THAT RELENTLESS DRIVE TO LEARN THE DIVORCE LAW REFORM ACT BY HEART.

THAT, AND THE FRENCH PERFUME.

THE DIVORCE LAW REFORM ACT, MISS TRANT.

WHAT YEAR DID YOU SAY?

1969.

YES, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

YOU POP DOWN TO THE BAILEY FOR FIVE MINUTES, THEY'VE PASSED ANOTHER DIVORCE LAW REFORM ACT.

[laughs] THANK YOU, MISS TRANT, FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE.

NOW THEN, WHAT IS THIS INTOLERABLE CONDUCT EXACTLY?

HE DOESN'T SPEAK.

WELL, A LITTLE SILENCE CAN COME AS SOMETHING OF A RELIEF IN THE WEAR AND TEAR OF MARRIED LIFE.

I DON'T THINK YOU QUITE UNDERSTAND.

HE HASN'T SPOKEN A WORD TO ME FOR THREE YEARS.

THREE YEARS?

GOOD GOD.

WELL, HOW DOES HE...

COMMUNICATE?

BY MEANS OF NOTES.

HE-- NOTES?

"IF YOU AND YOUR SO-CALLED SON..." THAT'S HOW HE WRITES ABOUT NORMAN.

"IF YOU AND YOUR SO-CALLED SON "WANT TO SWIM IN HOT WATER, "YOU CAN GO TO THE PUBLIC BATHS.

"FROM YOUR SO-CALLED HUSBAND."

HE PUT A PADLOCK ON THE GEYSER.

REALLY?

WHAT PROFESSION IS THIS SCROOGE?

A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT.

OH, THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME IN THE LEAST.

YES, TYPED ON AN ITALIAN PORTABLE, I'D SAY.

ABOUT TEN YEARS OLD.

MY HUSBAND'S GOT AN OLD OLIVETTI.

HE CAN'T REALLY TYPE.

MRS. THRIPP.

MR. RUMPOLE.

NOW, LET ME UNDERSTAND.

IS THERE PERHAPS SOMEONE ELSE?

SOMEONE ELSE?

WELL, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY AN ATTRACTIVE, EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. RUMPOLE.

WELL, ARE THERE NO OTHER FISH IN YOUR PARTICULAR SEA?

ONE MAN IS QUITE ENOUGH FOR ME, THANK YOU.

REALLY?

WELL, I TAKE IT YOU ARE STILL LIVING WITH YOUR HUSBAND?

LIVING?

OF COURSE, I'M LIVING WITH HIM.

THE FLAT'S IN JOINT NAMES.

YES, WELL, WOULDN'T YOU AND THE YOUNG HOPEFUL OUTSIDE BE BETTER OFF SOMEWHERE ELSE?

I MEAN, ANYWHERE ELSE?

MRS. THRIPP HAS A MOTHER IN RUISLIP.

AH, THANK YOU, MR.

PERFECT.

AS YOUR SOLICITOR POINTS OUT, ANYBODY'S MOTHER IN RUISLIP WOULD SURELY BE PREFERABLE TO LIVING WITH AN ACCOUNTANT WHO PADLOCKS YOUR GEYSER AND TAKES ALL-- I MOVE OUT?

WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT.

AND LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT?

MRS. THRIPP, YOUR FLAT IN MUSWELL HILL, SCENE OF HISTORIC EVENTS THOUGH IT MAY WELL BE, IS NOT EXACTLY THE FIELD OF WATERLOO.

I MEAN, IF YOU WITHDREW TO PLEASANTER PASTURES, THERE WOULD BE NO DEFEAT, NO NATIONAL DISAS-- MRS. THRIPP IS ANXIOUS ABOUT THE FURNITURE.

FURNITURE?

SHE'S AFRAID THAT HER HUSBAND MIGHT DISPOSE OF THE LOUNGE SUITE-- HE'S ALWAYS HATED IT, AND IT WAS A PRESENT FROM MY MOTHER.

HOW MUCH HUMAN SUFFERING CAN BE EXTRACTED FROM A LOUNGE?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT'S THE FURNITURE.

WON'T YOU TAKE ME ON, MR. RUMPOLE?

OH, MY DEAR LADY, OF COURSE I'LL TAKE YOU ON.

THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.

AN OLD TAXI WAITING IN THE RANK.

JUST SNAP YOUR FINGERS, AND I'LL RUN ALMOST ANYWHERE YOU'D LIKE TO GO.

BUT IT WOULD BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE IF WE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT DESTINATION YOU HAD IN MIND.

I TOLD MR.

PERFECT WHAT I WANT.

MRS. THRIPP WANTS A DIVORCE.

THOSE ARE MY-- I WANT MY HUSBAND TAKEN TO COURT.

THOSE ARE MY INSTRUCTIONS, MR. RUMPOLE.

[winding] Mr. Thripp: "TO MY SO-CALLED WIFE..." "I'M GOING OUT TO MY MASONIC LADIES NIGHT "TOMORROW, WEDNESDAY.

"IT'S A PITY I HAVEN'T GOT A LADY TO TAKE WITH ME."

[scraping] "DON'T BOTHER TO WAIT UP FOR ME."

[scratching] "YOUR SO-CALLED HUSBAND" [laughter] OH, THINGS ARE LOOKING UP, GEORGE.

A LITTLE.

THERE'S LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

I GOT A BRIEF TODAY.

150 QUID, DIVORCE.

THAT'S FUNNY.

SO DID I.

SURE TO LAST AT LEAST SIX DAYS.

THAT'S SIX REFRESHERS AT 50 QUID A DAY.

THINK OF THAT, GEORGE.

WELL, AT LEAST THERE'S THAT MUCH TO BE SAID FOR THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE.

[woman laughing] YOU NEVER MARRIED, GEORGE?

I NEVER FELT THE NEED OF IT, SOMEHOW.

"WITH ONE CHAINED FRIEND, PERHAPS A JEALOUS FOE, "THE DREARIEST AND LONGEST JOURNEY GO."

PEGGY?

ANOTHER COUPLE OF LARGE CLARETS PLEASE.

I'VE HAD A BIT OF INSIGHT INTO MARRIAGE, RUMPOLE, SINCE READING THAT DIVORCE BRIEF.

OH, IF WE WERE MARRIED, WE COULDN'T BE SITTING HERE PLEASANTLY LIKE THIS.

YOU'D BE WORRYING ABOUT WHAT TIME I GOT HOME.

WHEN I DID GET HOME, YOU WOULDN'T BE PLEASED TO SEE ME.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY A PERSON PUTS UP WITH MARRIAGE.

I MEAN, WHEN A WOMAN STARTS CONVERSING WITH HER HUSBAND BY MEANS OF LITTLE NOTES... OH, LORD, YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THOSE, HAVE YOU?

AH, THANKS, LOVE.

I'LL SETTLE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.

AND SHE CUT THE ENDS OFF HIS TROUSERS.

SOUNDS A SORDID SORT OF CASE.

CHEERS.

HE WAS GOING OUT TO AN EVENING AT HIS LODGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS JEZEBEL DID?

SHE ONLY SNIPS THE ENDS OFF HIS EVENING TROUSERS WITH HER NAIL SCISSORS.

THAT'S INTOLERABLE CONDUCT THAT, YOU KNOW, UNDER THE 1969 ACT.

I HOPE YOU'RE KEEPING UP WITH YOUR DIVORCE LAW REFORM, GEORGE.

MOSS BROS WAS CLOSED.

THE WRETCHED FELLOW HAD TO TURN UP AT THE CAFE ROYAL WITH BAGS THAT LOOKED AS IF THEY'D BEEN GNAWED BY RATS.

RUMPOLE, THAT IS MARRIAGE FOR YOU.

YOU LIVE ALONE NOW, GEORGE?

AT THE ROYAL BOROUGH HOTEL, SINCE MY POOR SISTER DIED.

SNUG AS A BUG THERE, ARE YOU?

TELEVISION IN THE RESIDENTS' LOUNGE.

COLOR TELEVISION.

OH!

[laughs] LOOK THERE, RUMPOLE, YOU MUST COME AND DINE WITH ME THERE ONE NIGHT.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE TO.

BRING HILDA IF YOU CARE TO.

OH, SHE'D LIKE THAT.

COLOR TELEVISION.

THAT WOULD BE A TREAT.

QUIET, OF COURSE, BUT THE POINT IS A MAN CAN KEEP HIS TROUSERS MORE OR LESS SAFE FROM DESTRUCTION.

[laughs] IN THE ROYAL BOROUGH HOTEL.

AH.

[unlocking] HILDA!

[burps] ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT.

"IF YOU CONDESCEND TO COME HOME, "YOUR DINNER IN OVEN."

OVEN?

OW!

[phone rings] YUCK.

[phone rings] [phone rings] [muted phone ringing] HELLO?

Mrs. Thripp: I JUST HAD TO RING YOU.

I FEEL SO ALONE IN THE WORLD, SO TERRIBLY ALONE.

LOOK, IT'S NOT TERRIBLY CONVENIENT JUST NOW.

DON'T SAY THAT, IT'S MY LIFE.

HOW CAN YOU SAY IT'S NOT CONVENIENT?

ALL RIGHT, THEN, A QUICK WORD.

HE'S GOING TO SAY THE MOST TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME.

I'VE GOT TO SEE YOU.

AH, SHALL WE SAY 4:00 TOMORROW AFTERNOON?

BUT NOT HERE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN WAIT.

MY DEAR, WE'VE WAITED FOR THREE YEARS, HAVEN'T WE?

Rumpole: NOW, I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU THEN.

GOOD NIGHT, BELOVED LADY.

[phone hangs up] [light ding] OH, HILDA.

GOOD MORNING, ALL.

YOUR CON IN THE DIVORCE IS WAITING IN YOUR ROOM, MR. RUMPOLE.

YES, RIGHT, HENRY.

AH, DIVORCING NOW, RUMPOLE?

YES, ERSKINE-BROWN.

STILL FORECLOSING ON MORTGAGES?

THAT SORT OF THING, YES.

I HEAR YOU'VE GOT MY EX-PUPIL HELPING YOU OUT WITH YOUR DIVORCE.

DO YOU GOOD, PHYLLIDA, TO SEE A BIT OF THE SEAMY SIDE WITH RUMPOLE.

NOT A BAD IDEA TO ENLARGE YOUR REPERTOIRE, HORACE.

GET A BIT BOGGED DOWN WITH ALL THAT CRIME, DID YOU?

CRIME, YES, WORLD SEEMS A BETTER PLACE, A CLEANER PLACE DOWN THE OLD BAILEY THESE DAYS.

DIANE, HAVE WE GOT ANYONE TO SEND TO DEPTFORD ON A DANGEROUS AND CARELESS?

DON'T YOU FIND CRIMINAL CLIENTS A LITTLE DEPRESSING?

DEPRESSING?

NO, NOT A BIT.

THEY USUALLY ARE WELL-BEHAVED.

REALLY?

WELL, WHAT DO THEY DO, KNOCK SOMEBODY ON THE HEAD, ROB A FEW BANKS, CAUSE AT THE MOST A TEMPORARY INCONVENIENCE.

THEY DON'T WRITE TO EACH OTHER NASTY LITTLE NOTES.

THEY DON'T LOCK UP THE GEYSER.

THEY DON'T INDULGE IN THREE YEARS OF SILENCE TO CELEBRATE THE PASSAGE OF LOVE.

LOVE?

YOU'VE BECOME AN EXPERT ON THAT NOW?

RUMPOLE ON LOVE SHOULD SELL A BOMB AT THE SOLICITOR'S LAW STATIONERS.

THERE'S A LOT TO BE SAID FOR CRIMINAL CUSTOMERS.

NO SUGAR, DIANE.

THEY'RE USUALLY, THEY'RE NOT LOCKED UP ON BAIL PENDING TRIAL.

YOU SAY 2:30, HENRY?

NO, 2:00, SIR.

THEY DON'T RING YOU UP ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND NIGHT.

YOU GET INVOLVED IN A DIVORCE CASE, YOUR LIFE'S NOT YOUR OWN.

WE USED TO HAVE ALL THE FACTS OF DIVORCE CASES PRINTED IN DETAIL IN THE TIMES.

OH, I KNOW, UNCLE TOM.

MADE AMUSING READING.

BETTER THAN ALL THIS RUBBISH THEY PRINT NOW ABOUT THE COMMON MARKET, MUCH MORE AMUSING.

NO WORK FOR ME, I SUPPOSE, HENRY?

NOT ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT.

AH, THAT'S MINE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK, DO YOU, UNCLE TOM?

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I HAD FAR MORE BRIEFS ON MY CORNER OF THE MANTELPIECE THAN YOU SEEM TO PICK UP, ERSKINE-BROWN.

NOW ALL I GET IS INVITATIONS TO INSURE MY LIFE.

A BIT LATE FOR THAT NOW.

YOUR CONFERENCE WITH MRS. THRIPP, SIR.

SHE'S BEEN WAITING 20 MINUTES.

YES, YES, I'M GOING.

OH, SORRY.

THERE IS...

THERE IS SOMETHING AT LEAST TO BE SAID FOR DIVORCE.

REALLY?

WHAT IS THAT?

DO TELL US.

SPEAKING AS AN EXPERT.

IT'S NOT NEARLY SO SQUALID AS FORECLOSING ON MORTGAGES.

RUMPOLE OF THE BOUDOIR.

OH, HA HA, VERY FUNNY, ERSKINE-BROWN.

[sighs] I DO WISH YOU HADN'T DONE THIS, MRS. THRIPP.

"TO MY SO-CALLED HUSBAND, "IF YOU WANT YOUR SHIRTS WASHED, "TAKE THEM DOWN TO THE OFFICE AND LET HER DO THEM.

"SHE DOES EVERYTHING ELSE FOR YOU, DOESN'T SHE?

"YOUR SO-CALLED WIFE."

WHY DID YOU TYPE THIS?

I WAS PROVOKED.

THE OTHER SIDE SUPPLIED US WITH PHOTOSTATS AT THE EXCHANGE OF DOCUMENTS.

YES, YES, OF COURSE.

OH, I SEE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND BOTH USE THE SAME TYPEWRITER FOR YOUR MUTUAL CORRESPONDENCE.

WHOM DID YOU SUSPECT?

WHOM?

OF DOING HIS WASHING FOR HIM?

I THOUGHT THERE MUST HAVE BEEN-- WE HAD HIM WATCHED, MR. RUMPOLE.

HAVE HIM WATCHED?

HE HAS AN ELDERLY SECRETARY.

APPARENTLY, SHE'S A GRANDMOTHER.

DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANYONE ELSE.

THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANYONE ELSE FOR EITHER OF YOU.

YOU CAN GET THREE YEARS FOR THAT.

PUT IT AWAY.

NORMAN.

THEY-- EXCUSE ME.

THEY ALLEGE... THAT YOU ASSAULTED HIS TROUSERS.

NO.

NO, I DIDN'T DO THAT, MR. RUMPOLE.

WELL, HIS EVENING TROUSERS WERE DAMAGED APPARENTLY.

PROBABLY AT THE CLEANERS.

WHO SENT THEM TO THE CLEANERS?

HE MUST HAVE DONE.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU SAID YOU WERE PROVOKED INTO TYPING THIS NOTE.

WHAT PROVOKED YOU?

THAT NOTE HE WROTE ME.

WELL, WHICH ONE?

AH, THIS ONE?

"I'M GOING OUT TO MY MASONIC LADIES NIGHT "TOMORROW WEDNESDAY."

YES.

"IT'S A PITY I HAVEN'T GOT A LADY TO TAKE WITH ME."

THE NOTES ARE UNDATED.

I CAN SEE THAT, MISS TRANT.

TELL ME, DID HE ACTUALLY GO TO THE MASONIC LADIES-- YES, HE DID.

THE TROUSERS CAN'T-- AND YOU MINDED HIM GOING?

MINDED?

OF COURSE I MINDED.

YES, WHY?

BECAUSE I WANTED TO GO WITH HIM, OF COURSE.

YOU WHAT?

I-- YOU WANT TO GO WITH A MAN WHO HASN'T SPOKEN TO YOU FOR THREE YEARS AND WRITES TO YOU INSTEAD?

PUTS A PADLOCK ON YOUR GEYSER?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANTED TO GO.

[sobbing] ALL RIGHT, MRS. THRIPP.

I AM ONLY ASKING YOU THE QUESTIONS YOUR HUSBAND'S BARRISTER WILL PROBABLY ASK YOU.

YOU THINK IT'S HOPELESS?

MR. RUMPOLE'S AFRAID YOU MAY NOT MAKE A GOOD WITNESS.

MR. RUMPOLE DOES NOT THINK THAT SHE MAY NOT MAKE A GOOD WITNESS.

YOU MAY KNOW ALL ABOUT DIVORCE LAW REFORM, MISS TRANT.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT WITNESSES.

MRS. THRIPP WILL MAKE AN EXCELLENT WITNESS.

WELL DONE, MRS. THRIPP, YOU BROKE DOWN AT EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT IN THE CROSS-EXAMINATION, WELL DONE.

[laughs] "IT'S A PITY I HAVEN'T GOT A LADY TO TAKE WITH ME."

THERE IS NOT A MAN SITTING AS A JUDGE IN THE FAMILY DIVISION WHO WILL NOT FIND THIS NOTE ABSOLUTELY INTOLERABLE.

[books dropping] SORRY, MISS TRANT.

♪ [typing] WHAT'S THAT, HENRY?

ANOTHER BRIEF?

FOR ME?

THERE YOU ARE, SIR.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

OOH, IT NEVER RAINS BUT IT POURS.

I'VE GOT YOU 25 POUNDS THIS TIME.

BEFORE THE DOCK STREET MAGISTRATES.

OH, OLD ARCHIE McFEE.

AN OLD GIRL CALLED MRS. WAINSCOTT IS CHARGED WITH KEEPING A DISORDERLY HOUSE.

WHAT, HENRY, AN OLD PRO?

HAS IT COME TO THIS?

PLODDING THE PAVEMENTS, FLOGGING MY AGED CHARMS AROUND DOCK STREET MAGISTRATES COURT?

AH, 25 QUID.

WELL, THAT'S... NOT BAD FOR A SHORT TIME ON DOCK STREET.

[laughs] YES.

IT MAKES YOU WONDER WHAT I'D EARN UP THE WEST END.

[door slams] [whistling] [clears throat] I WANTED TO ASK YOUR ADVICE.

OH, REALLY, MISS TRANT?

YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW IT ALL?

I'M PROSECUTING.

AH.

HENRY GOT ME THE BRIEF BEFORE THE DOCK STREET STIPE.

OH, REALLY?!

ARCHIBALD McFEE.

YES, OLD ARCHIE.

A DISORDERLY HOUSE.

I MEAN, IT'S AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE.

THE POLICE OBSERVATIONS ARE PERFECTLY CLEAR.

I CAN'T THINK WHY MRS. WAINSCOTT'S DEFENDING.

OH, THE OLD TROUT PROBABLY HAS A TASTE FOR KEEPING OUT OF HOLLOWAY.

YES, MOST UNREASONABLE.

WHAT I WANTED TO ASK YOU WAS...

YES?

HOW MUCH LAW SHOULD I TAKE?

I MEAN, HOW MANY BOOKS WILL THIS MAGISTRATE WANT ON THE PROSECUTION CASE?

HMM.

[inhales] MY DEAR MISS TRANT, OLD ARCHIE McFEE IS A LEGAL BEAVER.

DOUBLE FIRST IN JURISPRUDENCE.

READS RUSSELL ON CRIME IN BED.

TAKES THE APPEAL CASES ON HOLIDAY WITH HIM.

YOU WANT TO POT THE OLD BAWDY HOUSEKEEPER, EH?

WELL, IF YOU TAKE MY ADVICE, YOU WILL QUOTE EVERY CASE YOU CAN THINK OF.

OLD ARCHIE WILL LOVE YOU FOR IT.

HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU NEED?

FILL A TAXI WITH THEM.

Trant: SECTION 8 OF THE 1761 STATUTE, SIR.

"ANY PERSON WHO ACTS OR BEHAVES HIM OR HERSELF "AS MASTER OR MISTRESS "OR AS THE PERSON HAVING THE CARE, "GOVERNMENT OR MANAGEMENTS OF ANY BAWDY HOUSE "OR DISORDERLY HOUSE "SHALL BE DEEMED TO BE THE KEEPER THEREOF."

NOW, IF I MIGHT REFER YOU TO SINGLETON AND ELLISON, 1895, 1, Q.B., PAGE 607.

DO YOU HAVE TO REFER ME, MISS TRANT?

OH YES, SIR, I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND IT MOST HELPFUL.

Rumpole: MISS TRANT LOOKED SHOCKED WHEN SHE DISCOVERED I WAS DEFENDING.

NOW SHE'LL DISCOVER I HAVE DECEIVED HER.

ARCHIE McFEE CAN'T STAND LAW, HIS SOLE INTERESTS BEING ROSE GROWING, AMATEUR DRAMATICS, AND CATCHING THE 3:45 BACK TO ESHER.

CAN'T SHE SEE THE FURY RISING TO THE LEVEL OF HIS STIFF COLLAR AS HE GLARES AT THE CLOCK AN D LONGS FOR WATERLOO STATION?

IT IS OF GREAT INTEREST TO OBSERVE THAT IN R V. JONES IT WAS HELD THAT ALL WOMEN UNDER 21 YEARS OF AGE ARE GIRLS, ALTHOUGH FEMALES MAY BE WOMEN AT THE AGE OF 18.

I SUPPOSE THAT INTERESTS YOU, MISS TRANT.

OH YES, INDEED, SIR.

TURNING NOW IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, TO THE SEXUAL OFFENSES ACT OF 1896... Rumpole: RUMPOLE, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

THE PROSECUTION IS SINKING UNDER THE DEAD WEIGHT OF THE LAW.

IS THAT ALL FROM THE PROSECUTION, MISS TRANT?

YOU WANT TO REFER ME TO ANY BOOKS ON BEHALF OF THE DEFENSE, MR. RUMPOLE?

Rumpole: CHEER UP, OLD DARLING.

YOU'LL BE OFF TO THE STATION IN THREE MINUTES.

SIR, MY LEARNED FRIEND HAS REFERRED YOU TO MANY BOOKS.

I WOULD REMIND YOU OF ONLY ONE, A VERY WELL-KNOWN BOOK IN WHICH IT IS WRITTEN "THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS."

AND THAT REMARK I WOULD APPLY TO THE ALLEGED OBSERVATIONS OF THE POLICE OFFICER IN THIS CASE.

YES, I'M NOT SATISFIED THIS CHARGE IS MADE OUT.

SUMMONS DISMISSED.

WITH COSTS, MISS TRANT.

YES, MY DEAR, MR.

PERFECT HAS ALREADY TOLD ME WE'VE GOT A HEARING IN TWO WEEKS.

SO YOU SEE THERE'S NO NEED TO RING ME AT HOME ABOUT IT.

WE ALL HAVE OUR LIVES TO LEAD.

OF A SORT.

OH, NO, NO, BE REASONABLE.

IN TWO SHORT WEEKS, YOU'LL BE FREE.

THINK OF THAT, MY DEAR.

AND KEEP SMILING.

BYE BYE.

[phone hangs up] I'M HAVING TEA WITH DODO TOMORROW.

DODO?

DODO PERKINS AND I WERE TREMENDOUSLY CLOSE AT WYKEHAM ABBEY.

OH, THAT DODO.

THE LIVE ONE.

YES, OF COURSE.

SHE'S LIVING IN HAMPSHIRE NOWADAYS.

SHE'S RUNNING HER OWN TEA SHOP.

AH, THAT'S A NICE PART OF THE COUNTRY, HANTS.

OH, YOU WON'T HAVE SEEN HER FOR AGES.

WELL, WE CORRESPOND.

I SENT HER A POSTCARD AND SAID, "LET'S MEET WHEN NEXT YOU'RE UP IN LONDON."

I WANT TO ASK HER ADVICE ABOUT SOMETHING.

OH, YES.

WE MAY DO SOME SHOPPING, PERHAPS HAVE TEA AT HARRODS.

GO EASY ON THE CHOCOLATE GATEAUX, WON'T YOU?

WHAT?

WELL, I'D HATE TO SEE ALL THE PROFITS FROM MY DISORDERLY HOUSE VANISHING DOWN DODO'S LITTLE RED LANE.

RUMPOLE.

DODO NEVER LIKED YOU.

DO YOU KNOW THAT?

OH... YOU... OH, COME, MISS TRANT.

YOU MUSTN'T DESPAIR.

AND AFTER YOU'D BEEN SO HELPFUL.

OH, PLEASE, DON'T MENTION IT.

I KNOW I'LL NEVER MAKE IT.

I MEAN, I KNOW THE LAW.

I WAS TOP STUDENT IN MY YEAR.

AH YES, BUT KNOWING THE LAW HAS GOT ALMOST NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING A LAWYER.

AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE.

I HAD ALL THE POLICE OBSERVATIONS, AND I WENT AND LOST IT.

WELL, THAT WASN'T BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ALL ABOUT THE LAW, MISS TRANT.

IT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT OLD ARCHIE McFEE.

YOU JUST MADE RINGS AROUND ME.

AH, NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE CRAFTINESS OF RUMPOLE.

IT SEEMS UNGRATEFUL AFTER YOU'D BEEN SO KIND TO ME.

OH, I DO WISH YOU WOULDN'T KEEP SAYING THAT.

I'LL HAVE TO GIVE IT UP.

OH, YOU CAN'T I HAVE TO.

NO, YOU CAN'T!

ONCE YOU'RE A LAWYER, YOU BECOME ADDICTED.

WELL, IT'S LIKE SMOKING OR ANY OTHER HABIT-FORMING DRUG.

YOU BECOME HOOKED ON CROSS-EXAMINATION.

YOU GET A TASTE FOR GREAT GULPS OF AIR FROM THE CELLS.

YOU'LL FIND OUT.

NO, I WON'T, EVER.

WE ALL HAVE OUR DISAPPOINTMENTS, YOU KNOW.

I CERTAINLY DO.

DID YOU KNOW I DID THE PENGE BUNGALOW MURDERS?

WITHOUT A LEADER.

AND THE GREAT BRIGHTON BENEFIT CLUB FORGERY CASE.

WHICH IS WHERE I GOT MY VAST KNOWLEDGE OF TYPEWRITERS.

WHAT AM I DOING NOW?

MUCKING ABOUT WITH DISORDERLY HOUSES.

I'VE EVEN SUNK TO A DIVORCE.

SO, THERE YOU ARE.

LOOK, YOU MIND IF I GIVE YOU A BIT OF ADVICE?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR MISTAKE IS IN COURT?

I WOULD SUGGEST A LITTLE MORE OF THE FEMININE QUALITIES.

YOU ASK ANYONE IN THE TEMPLE "HOW DOES RUMPOLE BEHAVE IN COURT?"

ANSWER: RUMPOLE WOOS.

RUMPOLE INSINUATES.

RUMPOLE WRAPS HIS FINGERS LOVINGLY AROUND THE JURY BOX.

OR LIES ON HIS BACK PURRING "IF YOUR LORDSHIP PLEASES" LIKE OLD MRS. WAINSCOTT OF DOCK STREET.

[laughs] THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

LAWYERS AND TARTS, MISS TRANT.

THE TWO OLDEST PROFESSIONS IN THE WORLD.

AND WE ALWAYS AIM TO PLEASE.

[unlocking] HILDA!

[whistling] AH, THERE WE ARE.

IS THAT YOUR SUITCASE IN THE-- YOU CAN STAY OUT AS LATE AS YOU LIKE NOW, RUMPOLE.

OH, IS IT LATE?

YOU CAN SPEND ALL THE TIME THAT YOU LIKE WITH HER.

WITH HER?

WHO?

TIME AND TIME AGAIN, I'VE HEARD HER ON THE TELEPHONE.

OH, HILDA, THAT IS A CLIENT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

RUMPOLE, I HAVE LIVED WITH YOU FOR 28 YEARS.

MAN AND BOY.

AND I HAVE NEVER KNOWN YOU TO BE TELEPHONED BY A CLIENT AT HOME.

HILDA, I USUALLY HAVE QUIET, UNDEMANDING CLIENTS.

MURDERERS DON'T FUSS.

ROBBERS CAN USUALLY GUESS THE OUTCOME.

THEY ARE CALM AND RESIGNED.

BUT DIVORCING LADIES ARE DIFFERENT.

THEY'RE INCLINED TO RING UP CONSTANTLY.

SO I HAVE NOTICED.

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS OUT ON BAIL.

THEY ARE NOT LOCKED UP IN BRIXTON PENDING THE HEARING.

[sighs] MORE'S THE PITY.

I'M GOING TO STAY WITH DODO, RUMPOLE.

I'M GOING TO STAY WITH DODO AND HELP HER OUT WITH HER BUSINESS.

WHAT, THE TEA SHOP?

IT'S FAR BETTER I SHOULD LEAVE YOU, RUMPOLE.

TO GET ON WITH YOUR HAREM.

HILDA, MY CLIENT HAS AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE, WHICH MAY WELL PROVIDE YOU AND DODO WITH ANOTHER TEA AT HARRODS.

THAT CAN'T BE WHY YOU'RE LEAVING.

NO, NO, IT ISN'T.

THEN WHY?

YOU'VE CHANGED, RUMPOLE.

HILDA... YOU DON'T GO TO WORK IN THE MORNINGS.

AND AS FOR THE GIN BOTTLE... YOU MARKED THAT.

NOW THAT WAS UNFORGIVEABLE.

WELL, THEN DON'T FORGIVE ME.

AN ENGLISHMAN'S GIN BOTTLE IS HIS CASTLE!

[phone rings] OH... [phone rings] TAXI?

YES, I'M JUST COMING.

Mrs. Thripp: COULD I SPEAK TO MR. RUMPOLE?

YES.

HE'S HERE.

[phone drops] IT'S FOR YOU.

IT'S HER!

[door slams] AH... DID YOU ENJOY YOUR POMMES DE TERRE A L'ANGLAISE, RUMPOLE?

BOILED SPUDS?

[laughs] EXCELLENT.

HILDA WILL BE SORRY SHE MISSED THIS.

YEAH, WHERE IS HILDA EXACTLY?

SHE'S DOWN IN HAMPSHIRE IN THE COUNTRY HELPING AN OLD SCHOOL FRIEND OUT WITH HER TEA SHOPPIE.

WELL, NOW NICK'S IN AMERICA, THERE'S NOT MUCH FOR HER TO DO AT HOME.

WELL, HILDA CARES FOR VEAL, DOES SHE?

OH, RATHER.

YES, INDEED.

SHE'LL BE DISAPPOINTED.

WE ALWAYS HAVE VEAL ON MONDAYS SO WE KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

OH, GOOD LORD.

MONDAY.

GOT THIS WRETCHED DIVORCE CASE TOMORROW.

THE OTHER SIDE HAS STOLEN THE MARCH ON US.

THEY'VE EXPEDITED THE HEARING.

REALLY?

GEORGE?

YES, RUMPOLE?

WHAT'S YOUR DIVORCE CASE ABOUT EXACTLY?

WELL, I TOLD YOU I'M A HUSBAND TOMORROW.

IT'S JUST THAT... WELL, I'VE GOT ONE TOO.

I'M A WIFE.

HORRIBLE CASE.

I'M SURE I TOLD YOU.

WE ALLEGED THIS MONSTROUS FEMALE SAVAGED ME TROUSERS.

WHAT ELSE?

WHAT ELSE?

WHAT ELSE?

ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

NO, I JUST WONDERED.

WHAT ELSE?

WELL, SHE WON'T SPEAK TO ME.

HASN'T SPOKEN TO ME FOR THREE YEARS.

SHE WON'T SPEAK TO YOU?

YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HER.

WELL, SHE STARTED IT AND THE BATH WATER.

WHAT ABOUT THE BATH WATER?

FOURTEEN BATHS A WEEK.

DOES SHE REALIZE WHAT THAT COSTS?

I HAVEN'T HAD A BATH THERE IN OVER A MONTH.

I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO MOTHER'S IN RUISLIP.

YOU PUT A PADLOCK ON THE GEYSER.

RUMPOLE, YOU'RE AGAINST ME.

OF COURSE I'M AGAINST YOU, I'M THE WIFE.

YOU ARE TRYING TO PUT ME OUT OF THE HOUSE, GEORGE, AND MY CHILD.

YOUR CHILD?

YOU HAVE ALIENATED NORMAN'S AFFECTIONS.

WHAT?

YOU TURNED HIM AGAINST ME!

RUBBISH!

GO AWAY!

GO AWAY!

RUBBISH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN RUBBISH?

I'VE NEVER HEARD SUCH UNMITIGATED NONSENSE IN ALL MY LIFE.

YOU BRING THAT UP IN COURT, AND I SHALL CUT YOU IN SMALL PIECES AND GIVE YOU TO THE USHER.

I HAVE BEHAVED LIKE A SAINT.

OH, YES, YOU-- JOAN OF ARC.

OH, AND YOU'RE JOB HIMSELF, I SUPPOSE?

I'VE HAD TO BE TO PUT UP WITH YOU.

YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A GREAT BIG BULLY, GEORGE.

IT'S ALL VERY WELL, YOU'RE ALL VERY FINE AND BRAVE WHEN YOU'RE DEALING WITH SOMEBODY WEAKER THAN YOURSELF.

OH YES, YOU-- YOU WEAKER THAN ME?

JUST SEE HOW YOU STAND UP IN COURT, GEORGE.

LET'S SEE HOW YOU STAND UP IN CROSS-EXAMINATION.

OH, I WOULDN'T RELY TOO MUCH ON CROSS-EXAMINATION.

WHAT ABOUT THE EVIDENCE?

WHAT ABOUT THE EVI-- I INTEND PRODUCING MY EVENING TROUSERS AS AN EXHIBIT.

YOUR TROUSERS WILL PROVE NOTHING!

OH REALLY, WON'T THEY?

ANYONE CAN LACERATE HIS OWN EVENING TROUSERS WITH A PAIR OF NAIL SCISSORS.

IT HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE, YOU KNOW.

LIES.

THANK YOU FOR THE DINNER, BY THE WAY.

LIES, LIES.

GEORGE, GEORGE.

SOMETIME IN THE STILL WATCHES OF-- LIES.

IT MAY OCCUR TO YOU TO DO THE DECENT THING AND LET THIS CASE GO UNDEFENDED.

[paper shuffling] Rumpole: OH, DEAR.

WHAT DID I TELL MRS. THRIPP?

"THERE'S NOT A MAN SITTING AS A JUDGE "IN THE FAMILY DIVISION THAT COULD BEAR TO SEE "A WOMAN TREATED IN THIS WAY."

OF COURSE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHO WE'D GET THEN, DID I?

I'M GIVEN TO BELIEVE THAT MRS. JUSTICE APPLEBY IS THE ONLY GENUINE MALE CHAUVINIST PIG IN THE BUILDING.

THEY TELL ME WHEN SHE GOES OUT ON CIRCUIT WHEN SHE TRIES MURDERS SHE PUTS ON A THIN LINE OF LIPSTICK BEFORE SUMMING UP TO THE JURY.

IT'S THE NEAREST HER LADYSHIP EVER GETS TO THE ART OF SEDUCTION.

OH, A FROSTY LOOK AT US.

THRIPP VERSUS THRIPP.

Rumpole: AND A FROSTY LOOK AT GEORGE.

THE SCORE IS LOVE ALL.

THAT MUST BE THRIPP.

I MUST SAY WE COULD'VE HOPED FOR SOMETHING ABOUT TWICE THE SIZE.

HE'S HARDLY PERFECT CASTING FOR THE PART OF BLUEBEARD.

YES, MR. RUMPOLE?

READY FOR THE OFF.

IF YOUR LADYSHIP PLEASES... MR. RUMPOLE.

I DON'T PLEASE.

THESE LONG LISTS OF GRIEVANCES AND COMPLAINTS DON'T PLEASE ME IN THE LEAST.

IS THERE NO CHANCE OF THE PARTIES SEEING SENSE AND COMING TO A REASONABLE COMPROMISE?

OH, NO CHANCE WHATEVER.

THIS IS A FIGHT TO THE END, MY LADY.

AS MY LEARNED FRIEND WILL ASSURE YOU.

TELL HER, GEORGE.

YES, IT IS INDEED A FIGHT, MY LADY.

DUE TO LAST AT LEAST SIX DAYS.

HMM, VERY WELL.

TELL ME ABOUT IT, MR. RUMPOLE.

[clears throat] THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE STRANGEST CASES THIS COURT MAY HAVE EVER HEARD.

THE STORY OF BLUEBEARD WHO KEPT HIS WIFE A VIRTUAL PRISONER IN THEIR FLAT IN MUSWELL HILL, DENIED HER THE SIMPLE COMFORTS OF BISCUITS AND BATH WATER.

DENIED HER THE COMFORTS OF HIS CONVERSATION BUT COMMUNICATED WITH HER ONLY BY MEANS OF... BRUSQUE, BITTER AND INSULTING LITTLE NOTES.

MR. RUMPOLE?

YES, MY LADY?

MAY I REMIND YOU OF SOMETHING?

CERTAINLY, MY LADY.

THE JURY BOX IS EMPTY.

THIS IS A TRIAL BY JUDGE ALONE.

I DON'T REQUIRE TO BE SWAYED BY YOUR ORATORY, WHICH NO DOUBT IS ENORMOUSLY EFFECTIVE IN CRIMINAL CASES.

JUST GIVE ME THE RELEVANT DATES, WILL YOU?

YES, MY LADY.

"YOU AND YOUR SO-CALLED SON "CAN BE OFF TO YOUR MOTHER'S IN RUISLIP.

"LET HER PAY FOR THE LIGHT "YOU LEAVE BLAZING IN THE TOILET."

THAT WAS PINNED UP ON MY KITCHEN CUPBOARD.

YOUR KITCHEN-- JUST A MOMENT, MR. RUMPOLE.

VERY WELL.

NOW THEN, MRS. THRIPP, WHAT WAS THE EFFECT UPON YOU OF THIS HEARTBREAKING NOTICE TO QUIT?

SHE STAYED FOR MORE, APPARENTLY.

IF YOUR LADYSHIP PLEASES.

YOU DIDN'T GO, DID YOU?

PERHAPS SHE WAS AFRAID TO, MY LADY.

OH REALLY, MY LADY, MY LEARNED FRIEND MUSTN'T LEAD.

Rumpole: OH, DO RELAX, GEORGE.

STOP GOING UP AND DOWN LIKE A YO-YO.

IT'S TRUE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MY HUSBAND-- Judge: SPEAK MORE SLOWLY, PLEASE.

MORE SLOWLY, PLEASE, MRS. THRIPP.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MY HUSBAND WOULD DO IF I LEFT HIM.

BUT WHAT SORT OF THING DID YOU FEAR HE MIGHT DO?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

MRS. THRIPP... YOU PUT UP WITH THIS INTOLERABLE CONDUCT FROM YOUR HUSBAND FOR THREE YEARS.

WHY EXACTLY?

I SUPPOSE I WAS SORRY FOR HIM.

SORRY FOR HIM?

WHY?

I THOUGHT HE'D NEVER MANAGE ON HIS OWN.

MR. THRIPP, IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR CONDUCT TO YOUR WIFE OF WHICH YOU ARE THOROUGHLY ASHAMED?

Rumpole: OH, GOOD QUESTION THAT.

IF HE SAYS YES, HE'S MADE A DAMNING ADMISSION.

IF HE SAYS NO, HE'S A SELF-SATISFIED IDIOT.

NO.

HE'S A SELF-SATISFIED IDIOT.

REALLY, MR. THRIPP?

YOU HAVE BEHAVED ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY?

EXACTLY.

MY POINT, I THINK.

FIFTEEN-LOVE, FIRST GAME, SECOND SET.

"I'M GOING OUT TO MY MASONIC LADIES NIGHT.

"IT'S A PITY I HAVEN'T GOT A LADY TO TAKE WITH ME."

IS THAT THE WAY A PERFECT HUSBAND BEHAVES?

PERHAPS NOT.

OR WAS THAT THE CRUELEST, UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL?

I WAS ANNOYED WITH HER.

ANNOYED?

YOU WROTE THESE BITTER WORDS OUT OF MERE ANNOYANCE?

WELL, I HAD ASKED HER TO THE LADIES NIGHT.

ASKED HER?

I LEFT A NOTE FOR HER, NATURALLY.

OH, NATURALLY.

MR. RUMPOLE, WILL YOU ASK THE WITNESS TO SPEAK UP?

WOULD YOU SPEAK UP PLEASE, MR. THRIPP?

I LEFT A NOTE FOR HER, NATURALLY.

NATURALLY, YOU COULDN'T DO ANYTHING SO HUMAN AS TO ACTUALLY SPEAK WITH HER?

SHE DIDN'T REPLY.

WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED GETTING AN INVITATION LIKE THIS.

MR. THRIPP, DID YOU ACTUALLY WANT YOUR WIFE TO ACCOMPANY YOU TO THE MASONIC LADIES NIGHT?

OH YES, INDEED.

WHAT?

THIS TERMAGANT WHO OVERFILLS YOUR BATHS?

REFUSES TO WASH YOUR SHIRTS?

YOU WERE ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING A PLEASANT EVENING WITH HER?

WELL, I HAD NO ONE ELSE TO GO WITH.

YOU'D RATHER GO WITH HER THAN NO ONE.

OF COURSE I WOULD.

SHE'S-- SHE'S MY WIFE, ISN'T SHE?

MR. THRIPP, I SUGGEST ALL THESE CHARGES AGAINST YOUR WIFE ARE QUITE UNTRUE.

THEY'RE NOT UNTRUE.

BUT YOU WANTED HER TO GO WITH YOU.

YOU JUST SAID SO.

YOU WANTED TO FLAUNT HER ON YOUR ARM AT THE CAFE ROYAL.

WHY?

WELL, COME, MR. THRIPP.

ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER.

YES.

I DO.

DO WHAT, MR. THRIPP?

DO... LOVE HER.

Rumpole: OH, RUMPOLE, RUMPOLE.

Judge: MR. RUMPOLE.

HAVE YOU ASKED ONE QUESTION TOO MANY?

YES, YOUR LADYSHIP?

IS IT REALLY TOO LATE FOR COMMON SENSE TO PREVAIL?

COMMON SENSE, MY LADY?

COULD THERE NOT BE ONE FINAL ATTEMPT AT A RECONCILIATION?

GEORGE, I FEEL OUR PRECIOUS DIVORCE SLIPPING AWAY FROM US.

I HAVE NO POWER TO ORDER THIS, OF COURSE, BUT IT DOES SEEM TO ME THAT MR. AND MRS. THRIPP MIGHT MEET PERHAPS IN COUNSEL'S CHAMBERS SIMPLY TO EXPLORE THE POSSIBILITIES OF A RECONCILIATION.

THERE IS ONE VERY IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION, OF COURSE, AND I REFER TO YOUNG... NORMAN THRIPP, THE CHILD OF THE FAMILY.

I SHALL ADJOURN NOW UNTIL TOMORROW MORNING.

Usher: BE UPSTANDING.

[chairs scraping] [footsteps] [distant typing] THEY'VE BEEN IN THERE A LONG TIME, HORACE.

YES, IT DOESN'T LOOK TOO PROMISING, GEORGE.

[muted chatter] Henry: GUTHRIE FEATHERSTONE, PROSECUTOR FOR A MURDER AT RUGBY FOR 350.

[door shuts] IN MY OPINION, THEY SHOULDN'T ALLOW WOMEN ON THE BENCH.

MRS. JUSTICE APPLEBY.

DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE THINKS SHE'S DOING DEPRIVING US OF OUR REFRESHERS.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, I THINK WE SHALL BE WITHDRAWING THE CASE TOMORROW.

WE STILL HAVE ONE OR TWO THINGS TO TALK OVER.

TALK OVER?

WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO SEE ABOUT THAT.

EXCUSE ME.

[muted chatter] COME ON, NORMAN.

HE'S BEEN SO GOOD, HASN'T HE?

NORMAN.

[makes tank noises] HE'S BEEN PLAYING AT BEING A SECRETARY.

[laughs weakly] [distant conversation] [muted chatter] Mrs. Thripp: NORMAN!

AH, GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

OH, MRS. THRIPP, I SUPPOSE WE'VE COME TO BURY CAESAR, NOT TO PRAISE HIM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MR. RUMPOLE?

WELL, YOU'RE DROPPING THE CASE.

NO, MR. RUMPOLE, I'M GOING ON WITH THE CASE.

LAST NIGHT, BUTTER WOULDN'T MELT IN HIS MOUTH.

I GOT THIS THIS MORNING.

OH?

LEANING UP AGAINST THE CORN FLAKES PACKET AT BREAKFAST.

"THE OLD BARRISTER YOU DUG UP "IS GOING TO LOSE THIS CASE."

OH, REALLY?

"I'LL HAVE YOU AND YOUR SO-CALLED SON "OUT OF HERE IN A WEEK."

GOOD MORNING, MR. THRIPP.

OH, COME ALONG.

HE'S MAD, THAT'S WHAT HE IS.

I CAN'T LIVE WITH A MANIAC, MR. RUMPOLE.

THIS IS TYPED ON A STANDARD IMPERIAL.

[mumbling] WE'VE GOT TO BEAT HIM.

I'VE GOT TO THINK OF NORMAN CAGED UP WITH A MAN LIKE THAT.

NORMAN, OF COURSE.

AS THE JUDGE SAID, WE'VE GOT TO THINK OF THE CHILD OF THE FAMILY.

LOOK, WE'VE GOT-- OH, IN HALF AN HOUR.

YES, DO YOU THINK NORMAN WOULD APPRECIATE A LITTLE STROLL?

I'M SURE WE'D BE GLAD TO.

NO, NOT "WE," MRS. THRIPP.

IN THIS INSTANCE, I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO NORMAN ALONE.

NORMAN, DO YOU LIKE DONUTS?

IT'S A RUM BUSINESS, MARRIAGE.

YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED, NORMAN?

OF COURSE NOT.

NO.

MARRIED PEOPLE HAVE ODD WAYS OF SHOWING THEIR LOVE AND DEVOTION.

HAVE THEY?

YEAH, SOME WHISPER ENDEARMENTS.

SOME SEND EACH OTHER ABUSIVE LITTLE NOTES.

SOME EVEN HAVE TO GET AS FAR AS DIVORCE COURT JUST TO PROVE THEY CAN'T DO WITHOUT EACH OTHER.

HAVE ANOTHER DONUT?

NO, I'M ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

ALL RIGHT.

YES, YOU WERE ALL RIGHT WEREN'T YOU, NORMAN, WHEN THEY REALLY LOOKED LIKE SEPARATING?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

REALLY?

WHEN THEY WERE EACH TRYING TO WIN YOU OVER TO THEIR SIDE.

HMM?

WHEN YOU GOT A NEW PRESENT EVERY WEEK FROM MUM AND A RIVAL ONE FROM DAD-- TANKS, PLANES, GUNS-- DEVELOPED INTO A SORT OF ARMS RACE, REALLY, DIDN'T IT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, MR. RUMPOLE.

THIS MAD IMPULSE OF YOUR PARENTS TO KISS AND MAKE UP MUST THREATEN YOUR SOURCE OF SUPPLY.

MINE TOO, COME TO THAT.

I DON'T MIND IF THEY GET TOGETHER.

IT'S THEIR BUSINESS, ISN'T IT?

THAT'S RIGHT, THEIR BUSINESS.

I'M NOT STOPPING THEM.

OH, REALLY?

OF COURSE I'M NOT.

I DON'T DO MUCH DIVORCE.

NOW I'M JUST BEGINNING TO REALIZE WHY.

CRIME MAINLY.

I WAS IN THE GREAT BRIGHTON BENEFIT CLUB FORGERY.

WHAT'S FORGERY?

OH, YOU ARE GOOD?

OH, YOU'LL COME OUT WONDERFULLY IN YOUR INTERVIEW WITH THE POLICE.

THE GENUINE VOICE OF INNOCENCE.

"WHAT'S FORGERY?"

THAT IS FORGERY, NORMAN.

EXAMINE IT CLOSELY.

ALL THE OTHER NOTES WERE TYPE-WRITTEN.

SO'S THIS.

TYPE-WRITTEN ON THE OLD OLIVETTI THAT YOUR PARENTS KEEP IN MUSWELL HILL.

THAT IS TYPED ON A STANDARD IMPERIAL WITH A SMALL GAP IN THE CAPITAL S. HERE, BORROW MY GLASS.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT IT?

THAT NOTE WAS TYPE-WRITTEN ON THE STANDARD IMPERIAL IN MY CHAMBERS, THAT DIANE HAMMERS OUT MY LEARNED OPINIONS FROM.

THE STANDARD IMPERIAL YOU WERE PLAYING WITH SO INNOCENTLY IN THE CLERK'S ROOM LAST NIGHT.

I PUT IT TO YOU, NORMAN, YOU TYPED THAT LAST NOTE IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO KEEP THIS HIGHLY PROFITABLE DIVORCE CASE GOING.

[sighs] I DIDN'T SEE ANY GAP IN THE CAPITAL S. HA HA, DIDN'T YOU?

THE JUDGE WILL.

WHAT JUDGE?

THE JUDGE WHO TRIES YOU FOR FORGERY.

A WORD YOU UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY.

I'LL TAKE THE EVIDENCE.

[crumples] AH.

I'LL TAKE THE EVIDENCE, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY GAVE THE CHIEF VILLAIN IN THE BRIGHTON CASE?

FOUR YEARS.

FOUR LONG YEARS, NORMAN.

HAVE ANOTHER DONUT.

AS YOUR LAWYER, I CAN ONLY SEE ONE WAY OUT FOR YOU.

A FULL CONFESSION TO YOUR MUM AND DAD.

AS SOON AS YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR DONUT.

LET ME GIVE YOU ANOTHER WORD OF ADVICE.

SETTLE FOR BEING A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT LIKE YOUR DAD.

YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO TALENT FOR CRIME.

I'M DELIGHTED TO INFORM YOUR LADYSHIP THAT THE PARTIES HAVE NOW ACHIEVED A RECONCILIATION SO THAT YOUR LADYSHIP WILL NO LONGER BE TROUBLED WITH THIS CASE.

AND THE PETITION WILL BE DISMISSED.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, RUMPOLE.

AS YOUR LADYSHIP PLEASES.

IF YOU HADN'T SET UP AS AN AMATEUR DETECTIVE.

HARDLY AMATEUR, GEORGE.

AND THE CROSS CHARGES IN THE ANSWER.

IF YOUR LADYSHIP PLEASES.

WE MIGHT ALL BE SITTING HERE ENJOYING OUR REFRESHERS.

IT WAS THE IRRESISTIBLE CHALLENGE OF THE TYPE-WRITTEN EVIDENCE, GEORGE.

I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD STICK TO CRIME.

YES, I WILL IN THE FUTURE.

THE HUSBAND WILL PAY THE COSTS.

Usher: BE UPSTANDING.

YOU ABSOLUTELY BUGGER UP THE WORK IN THE FAMILY DIVISION.

REALLY?

[unlocking] HILDA!

[door slams] OH, WHAT AM I SAYING?

"NO ANSWER CAME THE STERN REPLY."

Hilda: RUMPOLE!

HILDA?

HILDA.

WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

FALLOUT WITH DODO?

HAVE A LITTLE SCENE OVER A DROPPED SCONE, DID YOU?

YOU'RE BACK EARLY.

DADDY WAS NEVER BACK HOME AT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

NO.

DADDY ALWAYS STAYED IN CHAMBERS TILL 6:00 REGULAR AS CLOCKWORK EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DIVORCE?

OH, I SOLVED IT.

AND THE SIX REFRESHERS?

ARE GONE WITH THE WIND, I FEAR.

[sighs] YES, OLD GEORGE IS TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED.

HE'S GOT TO SUPPORT A SMALL HOTEL IN KENSINGTON, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT NO RESPONSIBILITIES, OF COURSE.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE EVEN HAD ANY TEA.

I HAD TO PIT MY WITS, HILDA, AGAINST A VERY FORMIDABLE OPPONENT.

GEORGE FROBISHER?

OH, DEAR, NOT OLD GEORGE.

AN 11-YEAR-OLD CHILD.

YOU'RE GOING TO SEED, RUMPOLE.

YOU CAN HARDLY EVEN KEEP A DIVORCE CASE GOING.

YOU KNOW WHY MY DIVORCE CASE COLLAPSED UNDER ME?

THE CLIENTS WERE RECONCILED.

BECAUSE HOWEVER AWFUL IT IS, HOWEVER SILENT AND UNENDURABLE IT IS, HOWEVER MUCH THEY MAY HATE EACH OTHER'S GUTS OVER THE THREE-PIECE CHINTZ-COVERED LOUNGE SUITE, THEY CAN'T STAND TO BE ALONE.

ISN'T THAT STRANGE, HILDA?

THEY'D RATHER HAVE WAR TOGETHER THAN A LONELY PEACE.

IF I'D STAYED AWAY ANY LONGER, YOU'D HAVE GONE TO SEED COMPLETELY.

"OH WOMAN IN OUR HOURS OF EASE, "UNCERTAIN, COY AND HARD TO PLEASE."

YOU'D HAVE STAYED HOME FROM CHAMBERS ALL DAY DOING THE CROSSWORD, DELVING INTO THE GIN BOTTLE.

"AND VARIABLE AS THE SHADE "BY THE LIGHT OF QUIVERING ASPENS MADE..." IF YOU'RE GOING TO THE LOO, RUMPOLE, TRY TO REMEMBER TO SWITCH OFF THE LIGHT.

"WHEN PAIN AND ANGUISH RING THE BROW, "THE MINISTERING ANGEL..." IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, RUMPOLE.

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

♪