♪ [muted chatter] [laughter] BYE!

YEAH, SEE YA!

[woman screams] AH!

UGH, UGH... [gasping] [sobbing] [footsteps] [car starts] [tires screeching] [brakes squealing] [banging, dog barking] [breathing heavily] WHAT IS IT, PETEY?

HAD ONE OF YOUR BAD TURNS, HAVE YOU, PETE?

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN, PETER.

YOU'RE ALL OF A TREMBLE.

[panting] YOU SEEN...T-T-TOSH?

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN TOSHER.

NOT LATELY.

YOU, BASIL?

NOT THAT I CAN RECOLLECT.

[panting] [stuttering] HERE, WHAT HAVE YOU JUST DONE, PETER?

I JUST COME!

PETER, IS THAT YOUR BANGER PARKED OUT THERE?

IT SEEMS TOTALLY SURROUNDED BY OLD BILL.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO NEED, LITTLE BROTHER?

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A GOOD LAWYER.

Rumpole: NO WARMTH, NO CHEERFULNESS, NO HEALTHFUL EASE, NO COMFORTABLE FEEL IN ANY MEMBER, NO SHADE, NO SHINE, NO BUTTERFLIES, NO BEES, NO FRUIT, NO FLOWERS, NO LEAVES, NO BIRDS, NO-VEMBER.

NOVEMBER.

THERE MIGHT BE SOME SORT OF TRIVIAL LITTLE BRIEF WAITING FOR ME IN CHAMBERS.

IN NOVEMBER, AN OLD MAN'S FANCY LIGHTLY TURNS TO THOUGHTS OF INDECENT ASSAULT, BRINGING BRIEFS AT LONDON SESSIONS AND BEFORE THE UXBRIDGE JUSTICES.

OH GOD, OH UXBRIDGE JUSTICES.

[sighs] I STARTED 40 YEARS AGO DEFENDING A CHARGE OF UNSOLICITED GROPE ON THE NORTHERN LINE.

AND THAT'S WHAT I'M BACK TO NOW.

IN MY END IS MY BEGINNING.

[distant typing] MR. RUMPOLE?

STERN DAUGHTER OF THE VOICE OF GOD, OH DUTY.

WELL, HENRY, MY LEARNED CLERK.

WHAT ARE MY ORDERS FOR THE DAY?

THERE'S A CON.

WAITING FOR YOU, SIR.

IN A NEW MATTER FROM MAURICE NOOKS AND PARSLEY.

NEW MATTER?

YEAH, THE BERMONDSEY STABBING.

MR. NOOKS SAYS YOU'LL HAVE READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPERS.

"MY HEART LEAPS UP WHEN I BEHOLD A RAINBOW IN THE SKY."

OR A MURDER IN THE OFFING!

OH, DOESN'T THAT SOUND TERRIBLE?

BUT I'VE GOT TO ADMIT IT.

[laughs] OH, THEY'LL BE GIVING ME A LEADER IN A MURDER.

THEY HAVEN'T MENTIONED A LEADER.

I SUPPOSE IT WILL BE GUTHRIE FEATHERSTONE, Q.C., MP.

WELL, IT WILL GET ME BACK TO THE BAILEY, MY PROPER STAMPING GROUND.

UH, MR. RUMPOLE?

YEAH?

THERE'S JUST ONE THING.

YOUR HAT, SIR.

MY HAT?

THE OTHER CLERKS WERE DISCUSSING YOUR HAT, SIR, OVER COFFEE.

THEY MUST BE HARD UP FOR CONVERSATION AT THE KARDOMAH.

THEY WAS PASSING THE COMMENT IT'S THE SUBJECT OF A GOOD MANY JOKES IN THE TEMPLE.

REALLY?

WELL, THIS HAS DONE THE STATE SOME SERVICE, AND IT SHOWS IT.

QUITE FRANKLY, MR. RUMPOLE, I CAN'T SEND YOU DOWN THE BAILEY, NOT ON A TOP-CLASS MURDER IN A HAT LIKE THAT.

YOU THINK A JURY WILL GET A PEEP AT THE TITFER AND CONVICT WITHOUT LEAVING THE BOX?

NOW, MR. FEATHERSTONE WEARS A NICE BOWLER-- I'M NOT LEADING COUNSEL, HENRY!

I'M NOT THE CONSERVATIVE LABOUR M.P.

FOR SOMEWHERE OR OTHER.

AS FAR AS THIS HAT IS CONCERNED, IT KEEPS THE RAIN OUT...

MOST OF THE TIME.

MY OLD CLERK, ALBERT, PUT UP WITH THIS HAT FOR A GOOD MANY YEARS WITHOUT COMPLAINT.

YEAH, WELL THERE'S BEEN SOME CHANGES MADE SINCE ALBERT'S TIME, MR. RUMPOLE.

INDEED, THERE HAS.

I GOT SOME DECENT BRIEFS IN ALBERT'S TIME.

I GOT THE PENGE BUNGALOW MURDERS AND THE BRIGHTON FORGERY CASE.

[door shuts] I WASN'T PUT OUT TO GRASS IN THE UXBRIDGE MAGISTRATE'S COURT.

OH.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, MR. RUMPOLE.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M NOOKS.

MR. NOOKS.

AND THIS IS... MISS STEBBINGS, MY ARTICLE CLERK.

HOW DO YOU DO?

THIS IS MR. LESLIE DELGADO, MR.

BASIL DELGADO, OUR CLIENT'S BROTHERS.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW-- WELL, PLEASE SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN.

THAT IS, OF COURSE, IF YOU CAN...

IF YOU CAN FIND SOMEWHERE.

[sighs] OUR...OUR CLIENT, OF COURSE, IS... IS NOT WITH US, HMM?

HARDLY, MR. RUMPOLE.

MR. PETER DELGADO HAS BEEN MOVED TO THE PRISON HOSPITAL.

HE'S NEVER BEEN A WELL BOY, MR. RUMPOLE.

OH.

OUR CLIENT'S HEALTH HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ANXIETY TO HIS BROTHERS.

OH, REALLY.

YES, I SEE.

WELL THEN... LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

[laughs] [papers shuffling] VICTIM'S NAME: TOSHER McBRIDE.

ANYTHING KNOWN ABOUT HIM?

I BELIEVE HE WAS A RENT COLLECTOR.

OH, THAT'S A GOOD START.

THE JURY WILL BE DEAD AGAINST MURDER, BUT IF SOMEBODY HAS TO GO IT MIGHT AS WELL BE A RENT COLLECTOR.

[laughter] YEAH, BLOOD STAINS ON YOUR BROTHER'S SLEEVE.

WHAT'S FORENSICS SAY ABOUT THAT?

GROUP CONSISTENT WITH 10% OF THE POPULATION.

INCLUDING MR. TOSHER McBRIDE?

WELL, YES.

AND EXHIBIT ONE-- A SHEATH KNIFE.

MR. McBRIDE'S BLOOD ON THAT?

YES.

OF COURSE, SIR.

OH YES, I KNOW.

10% OF THE POPULATION.

THE SHEATH KNIFE FOUND IN YOUR BROTHER'S OLD DAIMLER DOWN BESIDE THE DRIVING SEAT.

BLOOD STAINS ON YOUR BROTHER'S SLEEVE.

BLOOD STAINED KNIFE FOUND IN HIS CAR.

I KNOW IT LOOKS BLACK FOR YOUNG PETER.

YES, WELL, LET'S SAY IT'S EVIDENCE, MR. DELGADO, ON WHICH THE PROSECUTION MAY EXPECT TO GET A CONVICTION.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE JUDGE HAS JOINED THE FULHAM ROAD ANARCHISTS OR THE JURY'S DRUNK.

[laughs] YOU'LL PULL IT OFF FOR PETER?

PULL IT OFF?

HO!

I SHALL MERELY SIT BEHIND MY LEARNED LEADER.

YOU ARE GOING TO GUTHRIE FEATHERSTONE, Q.C., MP OF THESE CHAMBERS?

ACTUALLY, MR. RUMPOLE, ON THIS ONE, NO.

NO?

BUT YOU ARE GETTING A LEADER, AREN'T YOU, ON A MURDER?

WELL, ACTUALLY, MR. RUMPOLE, MY BROTHER AND I, WE'VE HEARD OF YOUR WONDERFUL REPUTATION.

OH.

OH, THANK YOU.

WELL, OF COURSE I DID DO THE PENGE BUNGALOW MURDERS WITHOUT A LEADER.

THANK YOU.

BUT, OF COURSE, THAT WAS 30 YEARS AGO.

[chuckles] THEY LET ME LOOSE ON THAT.

WE'VE HEARD GOLDEN OPINIONS ABOUT YOU, MR. RUMPOLE.

GOLDEN OPINIONS.

NOBODY MENTIONED A HAT THEN?

PARDON?

MR. DELGADO'S BROTHERS ARE PERFECTLY SATISFIED, MR. RUMPOLE, TO LEAVE THIS ONE ENTIRELY TO YOU.

REALLY?

[laughs] WELL... "NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT "MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER" BY A FIRST-CLASS MURDER.

[laughs] OH...

I'M SORRY, GENTLEMEN, THAT SOUNDED CALLOUS.

ALL THESE MONTHS IN THE UXBRIDGE MAGISTRATES COURT HAVE BLUNTED MY SENSIBILITIES.

IT CAN HARDLY BE SUCH A SIGN OF SUMMER FOR YOUR BROTHER.

WE'RE QUITE CONFIDENT, MR. RUMPOLE, THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

OF COURSE I CAN HANDLE IT.

PLEASE, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

AS I ALWAYS SAY...

MURDER IS NOTHING MORE THAN COMMON ASSAULT... WITH UNFORTUNATE CONSEQUENCES.

[laughter] WE'LL ARRANGE IT FOR YOU TO SEE THE DOCTOR.

I'M PERFECTLY WELL, THANK YOU.

DR. LEWIS BLEEN.

THE WELL-KNOWN PSYCHIATRIST.

ON THE SUBJECT OF MR. PETER DELGADO'S MENTAL CAPACITY.

POOR PETER, HE'S NEVER BEEN RIGHT, MR. RUMPOLE.

WE'VE ALWAYS HAD TO LOOK AFTER HIM.

YOU COULD CALL HIM PETER PAN, MR. RUMPOLE.

THE LITTLE BOY WHO NEVER GREW UP.

[distant ping-pong game] Dr. Bleen: REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?

DR. BLEEN.

YES.

DO YOU KNOW THE TIME, PETEY?

NO.

DISORIENTED AS TO TIME.

MIGHT THAT BE BECAUSE HE'S NOT WEARING A WATCH?

WHERE ARE YOU, PETER?

IN THE... [stutters] NICK?

HOSPITAL WING.

ORIENTED AS TO PLACE.

POSSIBLY.

WHEN WE LAST MET, PETER, YOU TOLD ME YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW McBRIDE GOT STABBED.

[stuttering] NO.

THERE APPEARS TO BE A COMPLETE BLOTTING OUT OF ALL THE FACTS.

MIGHT IT BE WORTH ASKING IF HE WAS THERE WHEN TOSHER GOT STABBED?

I'M AFRAID THAT, GIVEN THE ADVANCED STATE OF AMNESIA HERE, THE ANSWER MIGHT NOT BE IN THE LEAST HELPFUL.

NOW THEN-- WELL, HELPFUL OR NOT, SHOULDN'T WE HEAR IT?

MR. RUMPOLE, AS A SOLICITOR OF SOME LITTLE EXPERIENCE, MAY I INTERJECT HERE?

IF YOU HAVE TO.

DR. BLEEN WILL CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, BUT, AS I UNDERSTAND, HE'S PREPARED TO GIVE EVIDENCE THAT AT THE RELEVANT MOMENT-- SO FAR, I HAVE NO IDEA AS TO WHEN THE RELEVANT MOMENT WAS.

MR. DELGADO'S MIND WAS SO AFFECTED THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW THE NATURE OR QUALITY OF HIS ACTS.

NOR DID HE KNOW THAT WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS WRONG.

I SEE, YOU THINK HE WAS GIVING TOSHER A WARM HANDSHAKE AND WELCOME TO THE RENT COLLECTOR'S UNION?

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY HOW I SUGGEST YOU PUT IT TO THE LEARNED JUDGE.

WELL, HOW DO YOU SUGGEST WE TELL IT TO THE OLD SWEETHEART?

GUILTY, BUT INSANE, MR. RUMPOLE.

OH, INDEED?

WE RATHER ANTICIPATED YOUR ADVICE WOULD BE THAT.

GUILTY BUT INSANE IN LAW.

HAVE YOU ANTICIPATED WHAT THE PROSECUTION MIGHT SAY?

PETER'S BEEN EXAMINED BY A DR. STOTTER FROM THE HOME OFFICE.

I DON'T THINK YOU'LL FIND HIM UNHELPFUL.

CHARLES STOTTER AND I PLAY SQUASH TOGETHER.

WE'VE HAD A WORD ABOUT THIS CASE.

WHAT RUM THINGS YOU DO TALK ABOUT ON THE SQUASH COURT.

IT ALWAYS STRUCK ME AS A GOOD GAME TO AVOID.

WELL, PETE, YOU'LL BE WANTING TO GET BACK TO YOUR TELEVISION.

JUST ONE QUESTION BEFORE YOU GO: DID YOU STAB TOSHER McBRIDE?

I DON'T THINK THE ANSWER WILL BE AT ALL RELIABLE.

I DARE SAY YOU MAY EVEN THINK THE QUESTION UNRELIABLE.

BUT I'M ASKING IT JUST THE SAME.

BECAUSE, IF YOU DID, WE'LL CALL THE GOOD SHRINK HERE AND DR. STOTTER FRESH FROM HIS SQUASH COURT AND LET YOU OFF LIGHTLY.

YOU'LL GO TO BROADMOOR AT HER MAJESTY'S PLEASURE.

NO DOUBT HER MAJESTY WILL BE THINKING OF YOU CONSTANTLY.

YOU'LL GET A LOT MORE TELLY.

YOU'LL GET SOME EXCITING BASKET WEAVING AND A HANDFUL OF PILLS EVERY NIGHT TO KEEP YOU QUIET.

IF YOU'RE VERY GOOD, THEY MIGHT LET YOU WEED THE DOCTOR'S GARDEN OR PLAY CRICKET AGAINST THE WARDERS SECOND ELEVEN.

BUT I CAN'T OFFER YOU THESE DELIGHTS UNTIL I KNOW-- DID YOU STAB TOSHER?

I THINK MY PATIENT'S TIRED.

HE'S NOT YOUR PATIENT AT THE MOMENT.

HE'S MY CLIENT.

DR. BLEEN HAS JOINED US AT GREAT PERSONAL INCONVENIENCE.

THEN I WOULDN'T DREAM OF DETAINING HIM A MOMENT LONGER.

GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.

[door opens, shuts] DID YOU DO IT, PETEY?

I... [stuttering] KILLED HIM?

COULDN'T HAVE.

HE WAS ALREADY C... CUT WHEN I SEEN HIM.

YOU SEE, I CAN'T LET YOU GET SENT TO HOSPITAL UNLESS YOU DID IT.

BUT, IF YOU DIDN'T, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO FIGHT THE CASE.

I WANT YOU TO F... FIGHT IT!

I'M NOT GOING IN THE NUT HOUSE!

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IF WE DO FIGHT IT, PETEY, WE MAY VERY WELL LOSE.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

MY B... [stuttering] BROTHERS SAID YOU'RE A TIP-TOP... LAWYER.

REALLY?

WELL, LET'S SAY I'VE PICKED UP A FEW TRICKS OVER THE YEARS.

NOW THEN, HADN'T YOU BETTER TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED THE NIGHT TOSHER WAS STABBED.

RUMPOLE?

HMM?

OH... YOU'RE A LATE BIRD.

YES, JUST TRYING TO FEATHER MY NEST WITH A RATHER JUICY LITTLE MURDER.

[sighs] MAURICE NOOKS TELLS ME HE'S... NOT TAKING IN A LEADER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[sighs] WELL, THE LAST TIME I LED YOU WASN'T A SUCCÈS FOU.

[laughs] I'M RATHER A BACKSEAT DRIVER, I'M AFRAID.

OF COURSE, YOU'RE AN OLD HAND AT CRIME.

GOOD GOD, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY OLD LAG FOR A MINUTE.

IT'S A QUESTION OF TACTICS IN THIS CASE, OF COURSE.

MAURICE WAS SAYING THAT IF I APPEARED IT MIGHT MAKE IT LOOK AS IF THEY'D RATHER OVER-EGGED THE PUDDING.

WHATEVER PUDDING ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, A SILK M.P.

OF A CERTAIN PROMINENCE MIGHT MAKE IT LOOK AS IF THIS PETER... WHAT'S HIS NAME WAS IN A BIGGER LEAGUE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOU THINK THE JURY WOULD PREFER A BIT OF GOOD PLAIN COOKING?

[laughs] YOU PUT THINGS RATHER WELL SOMETIMES.

THANK YOU.

BUT IF I CAN BE OF ANY HELP UNOFFICIALLY.

OH, I'LL CALL ON YOU IF I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW TO CROSS-EXAMINE.

I...ADMIT I LACK THE POLISH THAT MAKES YOU SOUND AS POLITE AS EXAMINATION CHIEF.

THAT OFFER WAS MADE IN ALL SINCERITY, YOU KNOW.

AND IN ALL SINCERITY, I CAN MANAGE ON MY OWN.

HORACE... LOOK, I'M RATHER ANXIOUS TO PUT TO AN END ANY SORT OF RIFT BETWEEN THE TWO SENIOR MEN OF CHAMBERS.

IT DOESN'T MAKE FOR A HAPPY SHIP.

AYE AYE, SIR.

YES, WELL, I'M GLAD YOU AGREE.

SERIEUSEMENT, HORACE.

WE DON'T SEE ENOUGH OF EACH OTHER SOCIALLY.

LOOK, AND I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF TICKETS FOR THE SCALES OF JUSTICE BALL AT THE SAVOY.

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN ME AND MARIGOLD?

[clears throat] NOW LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT, FEATHERSTONE-- OH, GUTHRIE.

LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT, GUTHRIE.

[laughs] ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME TO TRIP THE LIGHT FANTASTIC TOE WITH YOUR WIFE?

AND YOU BRING YOUR GOOD LADY.

MY...

YOUR MISSUS.

ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE REFERRING TO "SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED"?

ARE YOU CONSIDERING SPENDING AN EVENING OUT WITH SHE?

IT WILL BE GREAT FUN.

DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?

HORACE...

THIS IS RATHER EMBARRASSING.

UM, YOUR NAME CROPPED UP ON THE BENCH AT OUR INN LAST WEEK.

I WAS LUNCHING WITH MR. JUSTICE PRESTCOLD.

HO HO!

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A JOLLY OCCASION.

LIKE HAVING DINNER WITH THE MACBETHS.

[laughs weakly] YES.

AND HE ASKED ME WHO I HAD IN CHAMBERS, AND I WAS ABLE TO TELL HIM HORACE RUMPOLE, INTER ALIA.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T ACTUALLY IMAGINE FRANK PRESTCOLD EATING.

I SUPPOSE HE MAY BE BROUGHT TO SMELL THE BOUQUET OF A GRATED CARROT.

AND HE SAID... "DO YOU MEAN THE FELLOW... "WITH THE DISGRACEFUL HAT?"

JUSTICE PRESTCOLD WAS TALKING ABOUT MY HAT?

YES, HE SEEMED TO THINK... FORGIVE ME FOR RAISING THIS, BUT HE SEEMED TO THINK THAT YOUR HAT SET THE WORST POSSIBLE EXAMPLE TO THE YOUNGER MEN AT THE BAR.

WELL, YOU CAN TELL MR. JUSTICE PRESTCOLD FROM ME WHEN NEXT YOU SHARE THE BENCHER'S VEGETARIAN PLATTER THAT THE LAST TIME I APPEARED BEFORE HIM I TOOK STRONG EXCEPTION TO HIS CUFFLINKS.

TO ME, THEY LOOKED JUST AS CHEAP AND GLASSY AS HIS EYES.

DON'T TAKE OFFENSE, HORACE.

IT DOESN'T DO, YOU KNOW, TO TAKE OFFENSE AT ONE OF HER MAJESTY'S JUDGES.

WELL, LOOK, WE ALL LOOK FORWARD TO SAVOY, AND THE BEST TO YOUR GOOD LADY.

[door shuts] [grumbling] OW.

[humming] Hilda: RUMPOLE!

"SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED."

YES, DEAR?!

INLAND REVENUE.

ELECTRICITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE POST?

JUST THROWING IT AWAY, DEAR.

WHATEVER FOR?

YOU ALWAYS THROW IT AWAY THE FIRST TIME.

OTHERWISE YOU JUST ENCOURAGE THEM TO SEND MORE BILLS.

IF YOU HAD A FEW DECENT CASES, RUMPOLE.

IF YOU WEREN'T ALWAYS SLUMMING AROUND THE MAGISTRATES COURTS, YOU MIGHT NOT BE THROWING AWAY BILLS ALL THE TIME.

WHAT'S THAT?

I THINK IT'S THE GAS.

BUT...

I NEVER SAW A GAS BILL WITH A GOLD CREST ON IT.

IT'S AN INVITATION.

YES.

TO THE SAVOY HOTEL.

"MR. AND MRS. HORACE RUMPOLE."

WOULDN'T ENJOY IT.

WHY WOULDN'T I ENJOY IT?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

PRAWN COCKTAILS AND BOILED SHIRTS.

WATCHING A LOT OF DESICCATED JUDGES PUSHING THEIR OVERFED WIVES AROUND THE PARQUE TO SELECTIONS FROM OKLAHOMA!

IT WOULD DO YOU GOOD, RUMPOLE.

IT'S THE SORT OF PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE SEEN AT.

THE SCALES OF JUSTICE BALL.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I DON'T SEE WHY.

WELL, WE'RE INVITED BY THAT WOMAN, MARIGOLD FEATHERSTONE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT?

SHE'S THE WIFE OF YOUR HEAD OF CHAMBERS.

SHE IS AN OLD BOOT.

MARIGOLD FEATHERSTONE IS A DOMESTIC TYRANT A TERMAGANT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT POOR WRETCHED GUTHRIE CALLS HER BEHIND HER BACK?

OF COURSE, "SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED."

OH, NO.

YES, ISN'T THAT AWFUL?

NO, THE BALL IS OUT.

YOU AND MARIGOLD WOULDN'T HIT IT OFF AT ALL.

MUST FLY.

MURDER CALLS.

WHY EVER DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE ARE BACK TO MURDER?

OH, THIS IS GOOD NEWS.

BETTER FUN THAN DANCING.

[sighs] [distant chatter] GOOD MORNING, JUDGE.

[laughter] Rumpole: MR. JUSTICE PRESTCOLD.

HE'S DISCUSSING MY HAT AGAIN.

OH REALLY, ISN'T THE CRIME RATE RISING?

ISN'T THE STATE ENCROACHING ON OUR LIBERTIES?

ISN'T MAGNA CARTA TOTTERING?

WHITHER HABEAS CORPUS?

WHAT'S TO BE DONE ABOUT THE NUMBER OF 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS WHO ARE MAKING ADVANCES TO OLD MEN IN CINEMAS?

WHAT I MEAN IS... HAVEN'T THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND GOT ENOUGH ON THEIR PLATES WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT MY BLOODY HAT?

YOU CAN'T DO IT TO PETER, I TELL YOU.

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

FIGHT THE CASE?

HOW CAN HE FIGHT THE CASE?

NOTICE OF ADDITIONAL EVIDENCE.

PROSECUTION WITNESS BERNARD WHELPTON, KNOWN AS "FOUR EYES."

YOU READ THAT.

YOU READ WHAT "FOUR EYES" HAS TO SAY.

WHELPTON'S EVIDENCE DOESN'T HELP, I'M SURE YOU'LL AGREE, MR. RUMPOLE.

"TOSHER McBRIDE USED TO TAKE THE MICK "OUT OF PETER DELGADO "ON ACCOUNT HE STAMMERED AND DIDN'T HAVE NO GIRLFRIENDS.

"ONE NIGHT I SAW PETEY TRY TO SPEAK TO A GIRL "AT THE PARADISE ROOMS."

YES, THAT'S MY CLUB, THE PARADISE ROOMS.

"HE WAS ASKING THE GIRL TO HAVE A DRINK, "BUT HIS STUTTER WAS SO TERRIBLE "THAT TOSHER SAID TO HER, 'COME ON, DARLING, "'IT WILL BE BREAKFAST TIME "'BEFORE THE SILLY GIT FINISHES ASKING "'FOR A LIGHT ALE.'"

OH, CHARMING.

"AFTER THAT, I HEARD PETER DELGADO "SAY AS HE'D GET TOSHER.

"HE SAID HE'D LIKE TO CUT HIM ONE NIGHT."

WELL, HE'S NOT A WELL BOY!

AND HOW'S MOTHER GOING TO FEEL?

HER PETEY GOING THROUGH ALL THAT FOR NOTHING.

"WHEN I CAME OUT OF THE OLD JUSTICE PUB THAT NIGHT, "I SEE TOSHER ON THE PAVEMENT "AND PETER DELGADO KNEELING BESIDE HIM "WITH HIS ARMS AROUND HIS NECK."

YOU KNOW, IT'S AN ODD THING NOBODY ACTUALLY SAW THIS STABBING.

NO, BUT PETER WAS THERE, WASN'T HE?

AND THE KNIFE.

WHAT ABOUT THE KNIFE?

WELL, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, THE KNIFE IN THE CAR IS COMPLETELY DAMNING.

SO, WHAT'S THE ANSWER ABOUT THE KNIFE?

YES, MR. DELGADO.

WHAT INDEED?

YOU KNOW, I MIGHT HAVE HAD DOUBTS ABOUT THIS CASE IF YOU HADN'T PROVED TO ME THAT YOUR BROTHER IS INNOCENT.

I DID?

YES, WHEN YOU SENT DR. LEWIS BLEEN TO SEE HIM.

THE HEADSHRINKER EXTRAORDINAIRE, THE GURU.

"WHAT'S BUGGING YOU?"

CURES FOR LISTENER'S NEUROSES EVER THURSDAY AFTERNOON, RADIO 4.

MR. DELGADO, IF YOU HAD DONE A STABBING, AND ALL THE EVIDENCE WAS DEAD AGAINST YOU AND ALONG COMES LOVELY DR. BLEEN AND OFFERS YOU A NICE, QUIET TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL, WOULDN'T YOU TAKE IT?

YOU MEAN... PETER TURNED IT DOWN?

OF COURSE HE DID.

HE MAY NOT BE ALL THAT BRIGHT, POOR OLD DARLING, BUT HE KNOWS BLOODY WELL HE DIDN'T STAB TOSHER McBRIDE.

THANK YOU, MR. RUMPOLE.

OH... [distant traffic] RUMPOLE?

RUMPOLE, YOU LOOK QUITE DIFFERENT.

RUMPOLE!

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

YOU'VE GOT A NEW HAT.

YOU WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A NEW HAT WITHOUT ME.

[grunts] A BOWLER.

DADDY ALWAYS USED TO WEAR A BOWLER.

YES, I THINK IT'S AN IMPROVEMENT.

[grunts] WHATEVER ARE YOU DOING TO THE WASHING UP?

HEY?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE BLOOD.

YOU SEE, IF YOU STAB DOWN MORE THAN ONCE-- CAREFUL!

YOU GET A SPRAY OF BLOOD OVER A WIDE AREA.

YOU BE CAREFUL.

IT'S GOING ALL OVER YOUR CLOTHES.

YES, EXACTLY.

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

NOT ONE BIG SOAKING PATCH.

AND THERE'S PLENTY ON THE CUFF.

LOOK AT THAT, FEEL THAT.

YOUR CUFFS ARE SOAKING.

WHY COULDN'T YOU ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES?

SEE, PLENTY DOWN THERE.

THAT'S PERFECTLY DRY.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, LEAVE THE WASHING UP ALONE AND LET ME FINISH IT LATER ON.

OH, BY THE WAY, I SPOKE TO MARIGOLD FEATHERSTONE THIS MORNING.

WHAT?

AND, YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE AN OLD BOOT AT ALL.

SO WHY WON'T YOU TAKE ME TO THE SCALES OF JUSTICE BALL?

BECAUSE.

BECAUSE WHAT?

HILDA, WE ARE IN THE AUTUMN OF OUR YEARS.

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

"SEASONS OF MIST AND MELLOW FRUITFULNESS "CLOSE BOSOMED FRIEND OF THE MATURING SUN," ETCETERA.

WHY?

"WHERE ARE THE SONGS OF SPRING?

"AYE, WHERE ARE THEY?

"THINK NOT ON THEM "THOU HAST THY MUSIC TOO."

BUT NOT JIGGING UP AND DOWN LIKE A COUPLE OF PUNK ROCKERS AT A DANCE.

I DOUBT VERY MUCH WHETHER THEY HAVE PUNK ROCKERS AT THE SAVOY.

DOESN'T IT OCCUR TO YOU, RUMPOLE, THAT WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE?

I AM PERFECTLY CONTENT.

I HAVE NO LONGING TO GO TO THE BALL LIKE BLOODY CINDERELLA.

WELL, I HAVE.

HILDA, I CAN'T DANCE.

YOU CAN'T WHAT?

I CAN'T DANCE.

DON'T ASK ME, I-- YOU'RE LYING, RUMPOLE.

WHAT?

JUST CAST YOUR MIND BACK TO AUGUST THE 14th, 1938.

OH GOD, WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

WE MET, RUMPOLE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT WAS WHEN WE MET.

I SHOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO REMEMBER.

1938, OF COURSE!

THE YEAR I DID THE EUSTON BANK ROBBERY LED BY YOUR FATHER.

LED BY DADDY.

LED BY DADDY.

YOU WERE YOUNG, RUMPOLE.

WELL, COMPARATIVELY YOUNG.

AND WHERE EXACTLY DID WE MEET?

I'M SURE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER THAT.

UH...AT A BUS STOP?

AT A BUS STOP.

OF COURSE, IT WASN'T AT A BUS STOP.

WE MET IN A TENT.

A TENT?

WELL, A MARQUEE THEN.

THERE WAS A BAND AND CHAMPAGNE AND SOME SORT OF COLD COLLATION.

DADDY HAD TAKEN ME TO THE INNS OF COURT BALL TO MEET SOME OF THE BRIGHT YOUNG MEN IN CHAMBERS.

HE TOLD ME THEN HOW HELPFUL YOU'D BEEN TO HIM ON BLOOD GROUPS.

OH, HOPELESS ON BLOOD, DEAR OLD DADDY.

HE COULDN'T BRING HIMSELF TO LOOK AT THOSE TERRIBLE PHOTOGRAPHS.

AND WE DANCED TOGETHER, RUMPOLE.

WE ACTUALLY WALTZED TOGETHER.

OH, WELL, WALTZING IS DIFFERENT.

YOU JUST GO ROUND AND ROUND.

WELL, WE CAN WALTZ TOGETHER AGAIN, RUMPOLE.

BUT YOU BETTER GET INTO TRAINING FOR IT BECAUSE WHEN I RANG MARIGOLD FEATHERSTONE THIS MORNING, I TOLD HER WE SHOULD BE DELIGHTED TO ACCEPT THE INVITATION.

SO IT'S ALL RIGHT IF I R.S.V.P'ED IT.

R... [grumbles] ♪ Rumpole: FATE SPAN HER BLOODY WHEEL.

AND I'VE GOT MR. JUSTICE PRESTCOLD FOR MY FIRST MURDER IN YEARS WITHOUT A LEADER.

MANY A DECENT GAMBLER WOULD HAVE SHOT HIMSELF FOR LESS.

FRANK PRESTCOLD, WHO TOOK GRAVE EXCEPTION TO MY HAT.

WHAT IS HE STARING AT NOW?

FLY BUTTONS UNDONE?

HE CAN'T SEE THEM.

WIG?

WELL, THIS WIG IS A BIT BATTERED.

I GOT IT SECOND-HAND FROM AN EX-CHIEF JUSTICE TONGA IN 1932.

OH, DO LISTEN TO THE EVIDENCE, PRESTCOLD.

STOP STARING AT ME.

FINALLY, MR. WHELPTON, I TAKE IT YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN THIS EVIDENCE OUT OF ANY SPIRIT OF ENMITY AGAINST THE MAN IN THE DOCK?

NO.

I'M PETEY'S FRIEND.

WE WAS AT UNIVERSITY TOGETHER.

MY LORD?

DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, MR. RUMPOLE?

ONLY THAT I HAVE AN OBJECTION TO MAKE, MY LORD.

IN THE ABSENCE OF THE JURY.

[muted chatter] I'VE GOT A BIT OF INFORMATION.

IT WILL DESTROY MR. BERNIE "FOUR EYES" WHELPTON, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT IS IT?

TEN YEARS AGO WHEN HE WAS WITH EAST HAM MINI CABS BERNIE WHELPTON GOT DONE FOR PERJURY.

YOU'D BETTER GIVE ME THE DETAILS.

WHAT IS THE BASIS OF YOUR OBJECTION, MR. RUMPOLE?

ON THE FACE OF IT, THE EVIDENCE THAT THIS GENTLEMAN WAS AT UNIVERSITY WITH YOUR CLIENT SEEMS FAIRLY HARMLESS.

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOUR LORDSHIP.

MAY IT, MR. RUMPOLE?

BUT MY CLIENT IS NOT AN OLD KINGS' MAN.

HE DID NOT MEET MR. "FOUR EYES" WHELPTON AT A MAY BALL DURING EIGHTS WEEK.

THE UNIVERSITY REFERRED TO BY MR. WHELPTON, IS, IN FACT, PARKHURST PRISON.

Judge: MR. RUMPOLE...

I VERY MUCH DOUBT WHETHER THE AVERAGE JURY MAN HAS YOUR INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE OF THE ARGOT OF THE UNDERWORLD.

YOUR LORDSHIP IS TOO COMPLIMENTARY.

HOWEVER, I APPRECIATE YOUR ANXIETY TO KEEP YOUR CLIENT'S PAST RECORD OUT OF THE CASE.

I THINK NO HARM HAS BEEN DONE.

SHALL WE HAVE THE JURY BACK?

AS YOUR LORDSHIP PLEASES.

[clears throat] FIRST COCK-UP BY THE JUDGE.

[laughs] I'M ONLY THE ARTICLE CLERK.

POOR OLD DARLING SPENDS HIS LIFE AT THE BAR IN TOWN PLANNING.

MR. NOOKS JUST STEPPED OUTSIDE.

HAS AS MUCH IDEA OF CRIME AS I HAVE OF HIGHER MATHEMATICS.

ARE YOU READY TO PROCEED, MR. RUMPOLE?

SILL, WE DO HAVE A POINT FOR AN APPEAL IF THE WORST COMES TO THE WORST.

OH YES, MY LORD.

QUITE READY.

SO HE'S GOT THAT CONVICTION.

PERJURY.

RUMPOLE WILL HAVE TO PUT IT IN.

I'LL LET HIM KNOW.

Rumpole: MR. WHELPTON, WHEN YOU SAW MY CLIENT, PETER DELGADO, KNEELING BESIDE TOSHER McBRIDE ON THE PAVEMENT, DID HE HAVE AN ARM AROUND MR. McBRIDE'S NECK?

YES, SIR.

SUPPORTING HIS HEAD FROM BENEATH?

I SUPPOSE SO, YEAH.

RATHER IN THE ATTITUDE OF A NURSE OR A DOCTOR TRYING TO ASSIST A WOUNDED MAN?

Judge: I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR CLIENT HAD ANY MEDICAL QUALIFICATIONS, MR. RUMPOLE.

DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, MY LORD?

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR CLIENT WAS A DOCTOR.

THIS TIME, YOUR LORDSHIP IS PERFECTLY RIGHT.

HE ISN'T.

COULD I SEE EXHIBIT ONE, PLEASE, THE SHEATH KNIFE?

[tearing paper] WHEN MY CLIENT WAS HOLDING MR. McBRIDE, COULD YOU SEE HIS HANDS?

YEAH.

ANYTHING IN THEM, WAS THERE?

NOT AS I SAW.

HE WASN'T, FOR INSTANCE, HOLDING THIS KNIFE?

I DIDN'T SEE NO KNIFE.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER MY LEARNED FRIEND REMEMBERS-- THE KNIFE WAS FOUND IN THE CAR.

EXACTLY.

SO MY CLIENT STABBED MR. McBRIDE, RAN TO HIS CAR, DROPPED THE KNIFE IN, THEN RAN BACK TO COMFORT TOSHER'S DYING MOMENTS.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING?

WELL, HE MIGHT HAVE SLIPPED THE KNIFE IN HIS POCKET.

UH, MR. RUMPOLE.

MY LORD?

THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR ARGUING YOUR CASE.

IT IS A TIME FOR ASKING QUESTIONS.

IF YOU FEEL YOUR POINT HAS ANY SUBSTANCE IN IT, YOU WILL NO DOUBT REMIND THE JURY OF IT WHEN YOU COME TO MAKE YOUR FINAL ADDRESS AT SOME TIME IN THE, NO DOUBT, DISTANT FUTURE.

I'M GRATEFUL TO YOUR LORDSHIP.

AND NO DOUBT YOUR LORDSHIP WILL REMIND THE JURY OF IT IN YOUR SUMMING UP IN CASE IT SLIPS MY MEMORY.

IT'S SUCH AN UNANSWERABLE POINT FOR THE DEFENSE.

MR. WHELPTON, DID YOU SEE TOSHER McBRIDE STABBED?

[laughs nervously] I WAS IN THE OLD JUSTICE, WASN'T I?

WELL, YOU TELL IT.

WELL, I'M TELLING YOU.

I WAS IN THE SNUG.

THANK YOU.

WHEN YOU CAME OUT, TOSHER-- WOULDN'T IT BE MORE RESPECTFUL TO CALL THAT MAN, THE DECEASED, MR. McBRIDE?

IF YOU LIKE.

WHEN YOU CAME OUT, THAT GOOD MAN MR. McBRIDE WAS BLEEDING IN MY CLIENT'S ARMS?

THAT WAS THE FIRST I SAW OF HIM, YEAH.

AND WHEN HE SAW YOU, MR. DELGADO LET GO OF THAT GOOD MAN MR. McBRIDE, RAN TO HIS CAR AND DROVE AWAY.

HOW DID HE GET INTO HIS CAR?

[snickers] HE JUST PULLED THE DOOR OPEN.

SO THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED?

OH...I SUPPOSE IT WAS, YEAH.

DON'T GO TOO FAST, MR. WHELPTON.

MY LORD WANTS THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A NOTE.

[sighs] SO HE DID NOT HAVE TO UNLOCK THE DOOR OF HIS CAR.

NO, SIR.

THANK YOU.

WE'LL ADJOURN FOR LUNCHEON NOW.

FIVE MINUTES PAST TWO, MEMBERS OF THE JURY.

Usher: SILENCE, AND BE UPSTANDING.

[shuffling] Rumpole: BYE BYE FOR NOW, OLD DARLING.

ENJOY YOUR NUT CUTLET.

WHAT ARE PLAYING AT, MR. RUMPOLE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU USE BERNIE'S CONVICTION?

YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

THIS IS THE BOY'S MOTHER, MR. RUMPOLE.

WE ALL WANT TO KNOW, THE WHOLE FAMILY.

POINT ONE-- SO FAR I HAVE KEPT YOUR BROTHER'S RECORD OUT OF THIS CASE.

IF I PRODUCED THE CONVICTIONS OF A PROSECUTION WITNESS, THE JURY WILL GET TO KNOW ABOUT PETEY'S 12-MONTH STRETCH FOR UNLAWFUL WOUNDING IN 1970.

DO YOU WANT THAT?

I WAS ONLY TRYING TO-- POINT TWO-- MR. WHELPTON'S PERJURY WAS FOR FORGING A PASSPORT APPLICATION.

I'VE CHECKED IT.

AND POINT THREE-- I NEED MY LUNCH.

MR. RUMPOLE...

I'M ONLY THE BOY'S MOTHER.

OH, DON'T UNDERESTIMATE YOURSELF, MADAM.

YOU HAVE BRED THREE SONS WHO HAVE GIVEN A GREAT DEAL OF EMPLOYMENT TO THE LEGAL PROFESSION.

[cries] FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?

EXACTLY WHAT YOU ASKED FOR, MR. DELGADO.

THE COUNSEL OF YOUR CHOICE.

LUNCH?

INSPECTOR, YOU PHOTOGRAPHED MR. DELGADO'S OLD DAIMLER WHEN YOU GOT IT BACK TO THE STATION?

YES.

AND WAS IT THERE EXACTLY AS YOU'D FOUND IT OUTSIDE THE PARADISE ROOMS?

EXACTLY.

WITH THE DRIVER'S DOOR UNLOCKED AND THE WINDOW OPEN?

YES, WE FOUND THE CAR UNLOCKED.

SO IT WOULD'VE BEEN EASY FOR ANYONE TO HAVE THROWN SOMETHING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW OR INDEED TO PUT SOMETHING IN THROUGH THE DRIVER'S DOOR.

I DON'T FOLLOW YOU, SIR.

SOMETHING?

SOMETHING LIKE THIS KNIFE FOR INSTANCE COULD'VE BEEN THROWN INTO MR. DELGADO'S CAR IN A MATTER OF MOMENTS.

I SUPPOSE IT COULD, SIR.

BY THE TRUE MURDERER, WHOEVER THAT WAS, WHEN HE WAS RUNNING AWAY.

Rumpole: NOTE FROM THE JUDGE.

"DEAR RUMPOLE, YOUR BANDS ARE FALLING DOWN "AND SHOWING YOUR COLLAR STUD.

"NO DOUBT YOU WOULD WISH TO ADJUST IT."

WHAT IS THIS?

A MURDER TRIAL OR A BLOODY FASHION PARADE?

[rips paper] INSPECTOR, WE HAVE HEARD MR. TOSHER McBRIDE DESCRIBED AS A RENT COLLECTOR.

IS THERE TO BE AN ATTACK ON THE DEAD MAN'S CHARACTER, MR. RUMPOLE?

I DON'T KNOW, MY LORD.

I'M SURE THERE ARE CHARMING RENT COLLECTORS, JUST AS THERE ARE ABSOLUTE DARLINGS IN INLAND REVENUE.

[laughter] Judge: SILENCE!

WHERE WERE THESE RENTS COLLECTED?

BUSINESS PREMISES.

WHAT SORT OF BUSINESS PREMISES?

CAFES, MY LORD, PUBS, MINI CAB OFFICES.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT REMEDIES WERE TAKEN IF THE RENTS WERE NOT PAID?

I ASSUME PROCEEDINGS WERE TAKEN IN THE COUNTY COURT, MR. RUMPOLE.

ALAS, MY LORD, SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO LEGAL TRAINING.

IF THE RENTS WERE NOT PAID, SOMETIMES THESE BUSINESS PREMISES CAUGHT ON FIRE, DID THEY NOT?

SOMETIMES, THEY DID.

TO PUT IT BLUNTLY, THAT GOOD MAN TOSHER McBRIDE WAS A COLLECTOR FOR A PROTECTION RACKET.

WELL, OFFICER?

WAS HE?

YES, MY LORD.

I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT HE WAS.

AND IF MY MR. McBRIDE HAD BEEN STICKING TO THE MONEY HE COLLECTED, THAT WOULD HAVE PROVIDED A STRONG MOTIVE FOR MURDER FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY CLIENT.

STRONGER THAN A FEW UNKIND WORDS ABOUT HIS SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

THAT SURELY IS A QUESTION FOR THE JURY, IS IT NOT, MR. RUMPOLE?

INDEED, IT IS, MY LORD.

AND FOR NO ONE ELSE IN THIS COURT.

[stomping] LESLIE.

[muted chatter] MR. THISTLETON, AS A SCIENTIFIC OFFICER, YOU HAVE LIVED WITH BLOOD STAINS ALMOST AS LONG AS I HAVE.

ALMOST.

YOU HAVE EXAMINED ALL THE CLOTHING WORN BY MY CLIENT ON THE NIGHT IN QUESTION.

I HAVE, MY LORD.

YOU EXAMINED ALL THE POCKETS?

I HAVE.

ARE THERE ANY BLOOD STAINS IN ANY OF THE POCKETS?

THERE ARE NONE.

SO, THERE CAN BE NO QUESTION OF A BLOOD-STAINED KNIFE HAVING BEEN HIDDEN IN ANY OF THE POCKETS WHILE MY CLIENT WAS NURSING THE DECEASED IN HIS ARMS?

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

AH, YOU FIND THE SUGGESTION AMUSING?

YES, I DO.

THE IDEA IS RIDICULOUS.

YOU MAY BE INTERESTED TO KNOW THAT IT'S ON THAT RIDICULOUS IDEA THE PROSECUTION'S BASING ITS CASE.

MY LORD?

YES.

THAT WAS A MOST IMPROPER OBSERVATION, MR. RUMPOLE.

THEN I PASS FROM IT WITH DISPATCH, MY LORD.

MR. THISTLETON, HAD MY CLIENT STABBED TOSHER McBRIDE REPEATEDLY IN THE NECK YOU WOULD EXPECT A SPRAY OF BLOOD OVER A WIDE AREA OF CLOTHING?

YOU MIGHT HAVE FOUND THAT.

WITH SMALL DROPS SPATTERED FROM REPEATED FORCEFUL BLOWS?

I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED IT.

IN FACT, YOU FOUND NOTHING OF THE SORT.

NO.

AND YOU WOULD HAVE FOUND BLOOD IN THE AREA OF THE CUFF OF THE COAT OR SHIRT?

MOST PROBABLY.

INSTEAD, ALL WE HAVE IS A LARGE SOAKED PATCH IN THE CROOK OF THE LEFT ARM.

YES.

TOTALLY CONSISTENT WITH MY CLIENT MERELY HAVING SUPPORTED THE DECEASED'S HEAD AS HE LAY BLEEDING IN HIS ARMS?

NOT INCONSISTENT.

NOT INCONSISTENT?

MR. THISTLETON, DOESN'T "NOT INCONSISTENT" WHEN TRANSLATED INTO PLAIN ENGLISH MEAN CONSISTENT?

YES, IT DOES.

THANK YOU.

THERE YOU ARE, PETEY.

YOUR BROTHER WANTS TO SACK ME.

THE POSITION IS MR. DELGADO IS A LITTLE PERTURBED AT THE COURSE THIS CASE HAS TAKEN.

MR. LESLIE DELGADO IS NOT MY CLIENT.

HE THINKS WE'VE GOT ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE JUDGE.

OH, WOULD HE LIKE TO POINT OUT, PURELY FOR MY PERSONAL INFORMATION, THE RIGHT SIDE OF MR. JUSTICE PRESTCOLD?

WHO DOES HIS LORDSHIP THINK HE IS?

COURT CORRESPONDENT FOR "THE TAILOR AND CUTTER"?

LOOK, PETEY, OLD SWEETHEART, I'VE ABANDONED THAT JUDGE.

HE'LL SUM UP DEAD AGAINST YOU, THAT'S OBVIOUS.

BUT IF WE CAN LET THE JURY THINK HE'S THE SORT OF BLOKE THAT SHOVES AIRWICK UP HIS NOSE EVERY TIME HE SO MUCH AS SMELLS A REAL HUMAN BEING WE MIGHT HAVE GOT SOMEWHERE.

WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?

MR. LESLIE DELGADO IS DEFINITELY DISSATISFIED.

THIS PUTS ME IN A VERY EMBARRASSING POSITION.

OH, CHEER UP, NOOKS, OLD DARLING.

YOUR POSITION ISN'T NEARLY AS EMBARRASSING AS PETEY'S.

[slap] WELL, DO I GO OR STAY?

AND NOW, MEMBERS OF THE JURY, I WOULD LIKE TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO A MAN WE HAVE NOT SEEN.

HE IS NOT IN THE DOCK.

HE HAS NOT APPEARED IN THE WITNESS BOX.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS NOW.

PERHAPS HE'S SAVORING THE DELIGHTS OF THE COSTA BRAVA, LYING BESIDE THE HEATED SWIMMING POOL WITH HIS APERITIF AND READING HIS AIRMAIL EDITION OF THE DAILY EXPRESS.

PERHAPS HE IS VERY NEAR TO THIS COURT, WAITING FOR NEWS.

WHEREVER HE IS, I SHALL CALL HIM MR. X.

DID MR. X EMPLOY TOSHER McBRIDE AS COLLECTOR IN ONE OF HIS PROTECTION RACKETS?

AND HAD TOSHER McBRIDE BETRAYED HIS TRUST SO THAT ON THAT FATEFUL NIGHT OUTSIDE THE OLD JUSTICE PUB MR. X WAITED... WITH THIS KNIFE, AND WHEN HE SAW HIS FATELESS SERVANT EMERGE FROM THE SHADOWS, HE STRUCK NOT ONCE, NOT TWICE, BUT YOU HAVE HEARD THE EVIDENCE-- THREE TIMES IN THE NECK!

[Judge clears throat] BUT YOU ARE THE ONLY JUDGES OF FACTS IN THIS CASE.

AND IF YOU FIND PETER DELGADO GUILTY, THEN MR. X WILL SMILE AND ORDER UP CHAMPAGNE BECAUSE WHEREVER HE IS HE WILL KNOW THAT HE IS SAFE AT LAST.

Reporter: THE JURY ARE STILL OUT IN THE BERMONDSEY MURDER CASE.

SUMMING UP TODAY, THE JUDGE TOLD THE SEVEN MEN AND FIVE WOMEN THAT IF THEY THOUGHT THERE WAS ANY FORCE IN THE DEFENSE ARGUMENT THEY WOULD ACQUIT.

BUT HE ADDED: "THE EVIDENCE CALLED FOR THE PROSECUTION "WAS ALMOST OVERWHELMING."

EARLIER MR. HORACE RUMPOLE APPEARING FOR THE DEFENSE HAD SUGGESTED THE GUILT OF AN UNKNOWN MAN, A "MR. X," COUNSEL CALLED HIM-- [phone rings] WHO WOULD SMILE AND ORDER UP CHAMPAGNE IF PETER DELGADO-- [news report stops] [phone rings] HELLO?

RUMPOLE!

WHAT?

NO, THEY'RE NOT BACK.

THEY'VE BEEN OUT FOR HOURS.

WELL, YES, I'LL JUST HAVE TO MEET YOU THERE, THAT'S ALL.

I CAN CHANGE IN CHAMBERS.

AH, HILDA!

I WANT THIS FIRMLY UNDERSTOOD.

I'M NOT DANCING.

UNDER NO-- THE JURY.

THE JURY HAS COME BACK.

I THINK WE'VE GOT A VERDICT, MR. RUMPOLE.

THE JURY'S BACK.

FAREWELL!

[phone hangs up] "RAINING CLOUDS OF GLORY DO WE COME."

[laughs] WELL, PETEY... WELL, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING SO BLOODY MISERABLE ABOUT?

THEY MIGHT'VE FOUND YOU GUILTY.

WHERE'S THE CHAMPAGNE?

I EXPECTED A PARTY.

OH, COME ON, CHEER UP.

MY GOD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'D BE LIKE IF YOU'D LOST.

I WAS MEANT TO L-L-LOSE.

WHO MEANT YOU TO LOSE?

THE PROSECUTION?

OF COURSE.

MR. JUSTICE PRESTCOLD INDUBITABLY.

FATE, DESTINY, THE SPIRIT OF THE UNIVERSE.

NOT AS IT TURNED OUT.

THE VERDICT WAS WRITTEN IN THE STARS.

"NOT GUILTY OF MURDER."

AND IS THAT THE VERDICT OF YOU ALL?

THAT'S WHY THEY... [stammering] CHOSE YOU, I WAS MEANT TO L-L-LOSE.

I DON'T FOLLOW.

BLOKE WHILE I WAS... [stuttering] WAITING IN THE CELL.

USED TO KNOW BERNIE "FOUR EYES."

HE TOLD ME WHY MY... BROTHERS CHOSE YOU TO DEFEND ME.

OH, WELL, I DO HAVE A CERTAIN REPUTATION IN THE TEMPLE, YOU KNOW.

MY CROWN MAY BE A BIT TARNISHED, DOING A BIT TOO MANY INDECENT ASSAULTS LATELY.

HE HEARD THEM TALKING ROUND THE P... PARADISE ROOMS ABOUT THIS OLD FELLA RUMPOLE.

DID YOU KNOW THE PENGE BUNGALOW MURDERS ARE IN NOTABLE BRITISH TRIALS.

I SUPPOSE I HAVE BECOME A BIT OF A HOUSEHOLD NAME IN CRIMINAL CIRCLES.

THEY WAS LOOKING FOR... A BARRISTER THAT WAS SURE TO LOSE.

I SUPPOSE AFTER THIS I CAN GET BACK TO A BETTER QUALITY OF CRIME.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

THEY WANTED...ME DEFENDED BY SOMEONE THEY COULD... COUNT FOR A GUILTY VERDICT.

THAT'S WHY THEY...

PICKED YOU FOR IT.

THEY WANTED TO FIT ME UP WITH DOING TOSHER!

JUST A MINUTE.

YOU MEAN YOUR BROTHERS PICKED ME TO NOBBLE YOUR DEFENSE?

THAT'S IT.

YOU WAS TO BE THE... JOCKEY LIKE THAT PULLED ME BACK.

INDEED, AND HOW DID THEY COME TO LIGHT ON ME EXACTLY?

ME!

RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY?

HEARD OF AN OLD BLOKE.

DOWN TO LITTLE BITS AND...

PIECES ROUND THE MAGISTRATES COURTS.

BIT OF A MUDDLER THEY HEARD.

GOT PAST IT.

WITH A FUNNY OLD TITFER.

THAT BLOODY HAT AGAIN.

SO THEY RECKONED YOU WAS JUST THE BLOKE TO LOSE.

SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

PERHAPS IT'S ALL...

LIES.

YOU HEAR LOTS OF... [stammers] STORIES...

IN THE CELLS UNDER THE BAILEY.

YEAH.

UP IN THE BAR MESS TOO.

THEY RUBBISH YOUR REPUTATION.

[chuckles] HAVE A CIGAR.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, PETEY... WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE YOU?

HEY?

WELL, THE SAME, MR. RUMPOLE.

NONE TOO... S-S-S...

SAFE?

YEAH, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT?

WHERE DOES IT... LEAVE YOU?

OH...

YES.

[live band music plays] [applause] Rumpole: WELL DONE, VERY DELIGHTFUL.

YOU LOOK CHARMING.

CHARMING.

THANK YOU.

REALLY, RUMPOLE, SHE.

SHE?

SHE?

OH, SHE!

A WOMAN OF FABULOUS BEAUTY, WRITTEN UP BY H. RIDER HAGGARD.

WAITER!

THE TIDE'S RUN OUT.

YOUR HUSBAND'S HAD A GOOD WIN.

[laughter] HE HASN'T HAD JUST A GOOD WIN, GUTHRIE.

HE'S HAD A TRIUMPH.

A TRIUMPH, AND SOLELY DUE TO MY OLD HAT.

HERE'S TO IT.

WHAT?

WELL, MY TRIUMPH, OR RATHER MY GREAT OPPORTUNITY IS DUE TO MY HAT.

NONSENSE.

IT WAS.

HE'S TALKING NONSENSE.

HE DOES FROM TIME TO TIME.

NO, RUMPOLE WON BECAUSE... RUMPOLE WON BECAUSE HE KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT BLOOD.

REALLY?

WELL, DADDY... YOU REMEMBER MY LATE DADDY, DON'T YOU?

OF COURSE YOU DO.

HE USED TO BE YOUR HEAD OF CHAMBERS.

WELL, DADDY TOLD ME, RUMPOLE DADDY TOLD ME-- IN FACT, HE TOLD ME ON THE OCCASION OF THE INNS OF COURT BALL, WHICH IS PRACTICALLY THE LAST DANCE WE WENT TO.

HILDA!

NO, I AM GOING TO SAY THIS, RUMPOLE.

DON'T INTERRUPT ME.

NO... "HORACE RUMPOLE," DADDY TOLD ME, "KNOWS MORE ABOUT BLOOD STAINS "THAN ANYONE WE'VE GOT IN CHAMBERS."

OH, DO GIVE OVER, HILDA.

LOOK, MARIGOLD'S GONE QUITE PALE.

DON'T YOU FIND IT RATHER SORDID SOMETIMES?

WHAT?

CRIME.

DON'T YOU FIND IT TERRIBLY SORDID?

OH, I SAY DO BE CAREFUL.

DON'T KNOCK IT, MARIGOLD.

I THINK IT MUST BE SORDID.

ABOLISH CRIME, YOU ABOLISH THE VERY BASIS OF OUR EXISTENCE.

OH, COME ON, HORACE.

HE'S RIGHT.

HE KNOWS ABOUT BLOOD STAINS.

ABOLISH CRIME, WE WOULD ALL VANISH.

THE PRAWN COCKTAIL, THE DUCK A L'ORANGE, THE SELECTIONS FROM OKLAHOMA!

THE CLOUD CAPPED TOWERS, THE GORGEOUS PALACES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK PAYS FOR ALL THIS?

BLOOD.

CRIME.

DON'T YOU HELP THEM?

DON'T I WHAT?

HELP THEM, DOING ALL THESE CRIMES.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, YOU GET THEM OFF.

AH, NOT TODAY, MARIGOLD.

I DIDN'T HELP THEM, NO.

I WASN'T GRATEFUL.

YOU GOT PETER DELGADO OFF.

FOR ONE REASON.

WHAT WAS THAT?

BLOOD.

HE WAS INNOCENT.

OH, COME ON, HORACE.

HOW CAN YOU BE SURE OF THAT?

DO YOU KNOW IT'S A MOST EXTRAORDINARY THING, MY LEARNED FRIEND.

WE GO THROUGH ALL THE MUMBO JUMBO, WE PUT ON THE WIG AND THE GOWN, WE MUTTER THE RITUAL PRAYERS.

"IF YOUR LORDSHIP PLEASES."

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY."

ABRACADABRA, FEE FI FO BLOODY FUM.

YES, WELL-- AND JUST WHEN EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE GOING TO PRODUCE THE MOST LUDICROUSLY FAKED PIECE OF CHEESECLOTH ECTOPLASM, THERE IT IS!

CLEAR AS A BELL...

THE TRUTH.

DON'T YOU FIND THAT?

WELL, THERE ARE TWO WAYS-- YOU KNOW IT'S BLOODY SCARY SOMETIMES, HEY?

[laughs] BUT THERE IT IS, THE TRUTH!

NAKED AND EMBARRASSING.

[laughs] [laughter] OH, NOOKS.

SHADY NOOKS.

PLEASE EXCUSE ME.

I'D LIKE TO CON WITH YOU IN THE MORNING, MR. FEATHERSTONE, IF THAT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU.

REALLY, WHY?

WHAT'S HAPPENED?

I BELIEVE IT WAS ON THE 10:00 NEWS.

THEY'VE ARRESTED LESLIE DELGADO, CHARGED WITH THE MURDER OF TOSHER McBRIDE.

OH, SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

OH... IS THERE ANY EVIDENCE?

THEY DISCOVERED McBRIDE WAS WORKING FOR LESLIE.

AND THERE ARE A COUPLE OF WITNESSES WHO SAY THEY SAW LESLIE AND HEARD LESLIE SETTING THE WHOLE THING UP.

MEMBERS OF THE ROBERTSON FAMILY.

WOULDN'T BE AT ALL SURPRISED.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO TAKE ME ON, NOOKS?

OR WOULD THAT BE RATHER OVER-EGGING THE PUDDING?

YES, WELL IN THAT CASE YOU WILL WANT...

ADVICE ON EVIDENCE, AND GET ME ALL THE FORM YOU CAN ON THE ROBERTSONS.

WHAT WAS THAT, RUMPOLE?

HILDA?

YES, DEAR.

WHAT IS IT?

HILDA, I HAVE THE MOST...

EXTRAORDINARY FEELING.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT...

I WANT...

I WANT TO DANCE.

AH!

[laughs] COME ALONG, MY DARLING.

EXCUSE US.

THIS WAY.

MIND THE STEP.

[soft music plays] [muted chatter] ♪ I'LL DANCE THE LAST WALTZ ♪ ♪ OH, WITH YOU ♪ [laughs] ♪ TWO SLEEPY PEOPLE ♪ ♪ TOGETHER ♪ ♪ I'M SO IN LOVE ♪ ♪ WITH YOU ♪ ♪ THE LAST WALTZ WILL LAST FOREVER ♪ [Rumpole hums] [muted laughter, chatter] [music ends] [applause]